National Eating Disorders Awareness Week: My Journey

A few years ago my cousin introduced me to Post Secret, a movement created by a very compassionate individual by the name of Frank Warren who created an outlet for people to anonymously mail secrets to him. The secrets can be funny, ridiculous, serious, sad, and anything in between. Every Sunday, he posts new secrets that millions of people read. Every Sunday, I am one of those millions of people that do. It’s a way, I think, for people to feel connected with others around the world. Sharing these secrets is a way to let go as well as bringing people together. It’s a relief know that there are others who are going through similar things or thinking the same thoughts.

Last Sunday’s secrets really hit home for me. They revolved around eating disorders. Here are a few examples:

(Probably the one that was the most personal and relevant for me.)

National Eating Disorders Awareness Week brings into light a very personal matter for a lot of people. It doesn’t just affect a certain weight, gender, age, or nationality. It affects a wide ranged of people for different reasons. It mostly is about a sense of control or the desire of being this ideal image or weight, but those aren't the only reasons.

I remember becoming extremely offended when this fight of what ‘real women’ look like started. Suddenly, naturally slender women were subjected to scorn in the media. I have friends of various height and weight combinations, and they are all exceptionally beautiful people. They have shown me that there is no one-size-fits-all aspect of beauty.

One of the things CK told me (and that I love him for) is that there is no such thing as the fairytale relationship. And so, this past weekend, he asked me a very hard question: “So then, why do you demand for the fairytale body?” This applied not only to my appearance, but also my health. It was one of those questions that not only broke down everything I tried to ignore, but once I let it out I couldn’t stop.

I don't refer to having had disordered eating as an eating disorder  because I believe the term 'eating disorder' places blame on the person suffering. Disordered eating is also more inclusive and, in my opinion, something you can rise from and have the power to change. Disordered eating has traveled with me like a codependent ally, needing me to need to control what I ate, when I ate, and how much. When I went to college, I lost a lot of weight. In total, my weight loss journey resulted in over 40 pounds. Most of it was due to changing my eating habits and preferring healthier options and exercising more. But when I became ‘thin’, I was deathly afraid of gaining it back. I’ve had panic attacks in the past because it was so terrifying to me to go back to that time when my body was a prison to the wonderful person underneath.

*Photos are from 1990 - 2012.

The evolution of my disordered eating habits became more about earning and deserving food than not eating. To be fair, I didn’t decide one day to be anorexic my sophomore year in high school. I just felt I didn’t have time to eat in the mornings and simply wasn’t hungry for lunch (and believe me, the food options in the cafeteria were not appetizing). So I would go almost twenty hours without eating, snack when I got home and then eat dinner. I drank hot tea in the mornings with lemon and sugar, but that was it. By the end of the first quarter, I was under 140 pounds, a first since I started puberty.

And then I got sick and began vomiting blood. The trip to the ER showed stomach ulcers from drinking tea (which is extremely acidic) on an empty stomach, and put a slight hole in my esophagus. I called this experience the time I was “accidentally anorexic”.

By college, I went gluten free (soy free and cane sugar free came about a year or two after). I started eating healthier and exercising and was rather happy with where I was at body image-wise. I changed my appearance often, even cutting my hair in a pixie cut. My exercising, however, became something I had to do and a way to cut calories. I would do the math and think: “Okay… I’ve burned a certain number of calories, enough to have burned off breakfast, and maybe that smoothie I want to have later.” (This is also known as exercise bulimia and a very common form of disordered eating.) I looked at my body more critically, wondering why I wasn’t getting the body I wanted. At one point I tried to survive on 1200 calories a day. I guesstimated my intake, so I’m sure I ate more than that. But it still stands that, while I was active and walking to class, I wasn’t eating enough. I think I even blacked out while driving at one point on my way back to campus housing for lunch.

When I started this blog, the first post began with me being hungry really early in the morning. The echoes of healing are apparent in many posts and recipes I’ve published in the last three years. Seeing a holistic nutritionist (Cheryl Harris of Harris Whole Health and Gluten Free Goodness) probably saved my life. She encouraged me to take small steps, read Johnston’s (2000) Eating in the Light of the Moon: How Women Can Transform Their Relationship with Food Through Myths, Metaphors, and Storytelling, and I slowly changed how I perceived eating and food. My self worth and image built itself up and, in increments, stopped focusing on calories and focused more on what my body needed and when.

Being diagnosed with hypothyroidism in 2011 also changed by body image and eating habits, and it really helped in knowing my struggles with weight weren’t entirely my fault. Yes, I could have eaten healthier and exercised more, but growing up with an underactive thyroid literally makes you the underdog. Not only does your metabolism suffer, everything does. How could I be healthy when I was sick all the time? How could I get better if it was my body that wasn’t working?

Since receiving treatment, I’ve noticed my body doesn’t get sick as often or as easily. And the slow change of feeling like I have to exercise to wanting to exercise as well as removing ‘good’ and ‘bad’  as labels for food (also called orthorexia, or a fixation of only eating what the person believes is healthy or ‘good’ food) really helped transform my mindset toward loving my body. I still have old paradigms rear their ugly heads when I’m stressed or feeling vulnerable, but I know where I am right now is a pretty awesome place to be.

The last thing that really changed everything for me was doing the Insanity Challenge. I went from 125 lbs to 142 lbs, eating up to 2500 calories to maintain efficiency. I started learning how to take cues from my body, and was absolutely fascinated how I became more solid, but didn’t get bigger. In horror, I realized just how much I denied my poor body nutrients in the name of fairytale beauty. I knew in theory that not eating enough will actually keep you from losing weight because your body is trying to keep you alive. But after completing the Insanity Workout, it finally resonated.

Even today, while I have moments (and they are fleeting, I’m happy to say) where I think I’m not pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, whatever enough, I have a fantastic support system and I am dulling the words of that harsh Inner Critic we are all capable of having. I cook and eat because food nourishes my body and my soul. I exercise to see how my strength has improved physically and mentally. I have learned to treat myself with compassion and empathy, and am learning what situations open the door for negative thoughts (usually sleep deprivation, sickness, or getting stuck inside my own head for too long).

The one thing I really hope the world comes to realize is that people who suffer disordered eating do not do it for attention, and telling them about how there are people without food in other parts of the world do not help. And while it helps to receive reassurance (because I admit to needing reassurance from time to time), the only thing that will change their outlook on themselves and the need of control is their desire to change it. It may mean getting professional help (as I had), changing the environment that encourages this disorder, and taking as well as celebrating the little steps. And while I believe it is most certainly acceptable to change yourself to feel better health-wise, I have learned that seeking perfection is impossible, mostly because there is no such thing as the perfect person. It's okay to be any weight that makes you feel comfortable, so as long as you don't risk your health or happiness to get there. It's also okay to have a 'type', but just remember that the other types out there are equally awesome.

It also means looking at body shaming as it is: a form of violence and bullying. We need to stop focusing on beauty as a surface phenomenon and looking to create the word to mean something that is all-inclusive. Let's stop comparing ourselves to one another and looking for acceptance based on what the scale says or what the media tells us. We need to stop diminishing someone's worth based on their appearance, and STOP STOP STOP saying someone isn't beautiful in order to make someone else feel that they are. It is NOT okay. And the first step to achieving this is inward.

I am so grateful to my family, friends, and partner for changing my life. And thank you all who were so brave as to sharing their stories, with me personally, and on Post Secret. And for those who are still suffering, are recovering, and everywhere in between, I want to say this to you:

• You are beautiful in the present. At this very moment, you are the perfect you and you are on the path you need to take.
• You are the ideal you.
• You matter.
• You are loved, honored, and appreciated for being yourself.
• No one’s opinions of what you should look like or be like is important. The only thing that matters is how you feel.
• It does get better. I promise you.

I made this recipe as a way to honor those struggles, and to reach out to others. Following this recipe are some stories about disordered eating and body image. I cannot express to you how much I appreciated the bravery of these individuals to share their story. It will be updated throughout the week, but feel free to leave a comment also.

Mashed Potato Biscuit Hearts

420 g mashed potatoes*
75 g Garbanzo bean flour
100 g ground almonds (i.e., blanched almond flour)
65 g Brown rice flour
60 g Flaxseed meal
120 ml Whole milk
1 Large egg
1 tsp. Sea salt
3/4 tsp. Baking soda
3/4 tsp. Cream of Tartar

Preheat the oven to 375°F/190°C.
Mix together the wet ingredients (potatoes, milk, and egg) in a large bowl and add the dry (the dough will be a bit tacky).
Let the dough sit for five minutes.
On a floured surface, take a handful of dough** and flatten it to about an inch thick.
Using a heart-shaped cookie cutter (or any for that matter), press through the dough and place the cutouts onto a greased baking sheet (or parchment paper).
Continue to do so until all the dough has been formed, and bake for 30 minutes or until golden brown.
Remove from the oven and let them cool for about 10 minutes before eating.
Can be served hot or cold.

Makes 11 or more biscuits, depending on cutout size.

* I used the potato ricer to make the mashed potatoes and didn't add anything to them.

** I found it easier to take a handful of dough at a time than to just roll it out and cut.

Other's Stories (Coming Soon)

Story 1: The Legacy
The Influence of family: My first negative body image messages came from my own mother when I entered puberty. She made me self conscious about my weight gain. (Replaying the messages from her own mother about her struggles with weight gain. To lose weight that she gained during her own puberty, she ate only mayonnaise sandwiches for an entire summer. She did some severe dieting after each of her children to lose the baby weight, which affected her mood and energy levels.) I also remember my father making comments that 125 lbs was an ideal weight (for my mom) so that was a weight goal I strived to attain. No matter that I was actually 3 inches taller and actually looked ghastly at 125 lbs. As a result, I went through puberty and early adolescence (in the 1970’s)  “knowing” that I was “fat” and unattractive. As a result, I became anorexic in my mid-teens, something that was acerbated by a bout of mononucleosis.

The influence of media and product advertisements: Dress size, body weight, body image, attractiveness and perceived sexual desirability have always been interconnected. No matter that I actually felt my best when I weighed a certain amount. In order to fit into certain styles of clothing, I had to be a certain size. In order to accentuate my eyes and my cheekbones I needed to have a certain contour to my face (achieved only by dieting). The mirror: It lies. What I see is not what others see. As a result I have to use a tape measure; it doesn’t lie.

My regrets: I hate how I look. I have always hated how I look. Once in a while, when some time has passed and I see a picture of myself, I think, “Wow! I look really great in that picture.” But, if I think back to when the picture was taken and how I felt about my looks, I would say that I felt ugly or at least not attractive.

Legacy: I have watched helplessly as my own daughter has struggled with this amorphous monster, wondering what I could have done that I didn’t do; how I could have better protected her from the jaws of this gaping beast. I tried to offer unconditional love and support as she has struggled. I tried to keep my own self criticism and self esteem issues to myself. I tried to make every effort to not taint her with the family legacy of toxic messaging. I have tried to be her best cheer leader. But, as evidenced by her very public struggles with disordered eating, love isn’t enough. This dis-ease is insidious. It’s in our wiring, it’s in our cells…

Sweet Potato and Zucchini Frittata

I’m counting down the days until I leave for Malta. It’s strange, almost like a dream, to be planning for a year abroad. The semester is half over, and there is so much to consider: medication, budgeting, schoolwork along with a 40-hour workweek. It’s all so surreal, but it’s typical of me. I never do things at half-mast. If I’m going to experience change, it’s going to be a ton of changes all at once, like a Band-Aid being pulled off quickly to avoid the prolonged suffering.

Thirty-eight days. I have just over a month and a week until I fly to Europe. Thirty-eight days to see as many people as I can, to make as many memories as I can, and to get as much schoolwork and paperwork done as possible before I board that plane. What books do I bring? What clothes do I pack? Would I be able to pack the large teddy bear that CK (the boyfriend, that is) gave me for Christmas last year? Could I pack my hobbies and paint, sew, rock climb, and photograph while I was away? What about the Insanity workout and yoga? What about gardening?

Volunteering as a Photographer for MD's Halloween Bloc Party

It’s all so daunting in an exciting, holy crap sort of way. I’ve never been to a place that didn’t have leaves change or snow fall during months that usually do in my neck of the woods before. Actually, I’ve never been to the Mediterranean before either, but I’ve heard wonderful things from CK (you can get to know him here). For one thing, the cheese and the wine are famous for reasons taste buds can accredit; for another, local food sources year-round would be in abundance. These things excite me almost as much as the internship and being in the same time zone as CK do. There’s an entire culture I get to be part of, with recipes to make to further understand the country I’ll be living in.

But what about the autumn weather I so enjoy here on the east coast? What about the fall flavors of root vegetables and warm spices to fill you up and ground you: will it be the same over in Malta? Will baked apples, squash, and other slow-cooked foods provide the same satisfaction in Mediterranean weather as it does around this time of year back home?

I have no idea, but I’m excited to find out. Until then, I have a series of recipes that are perfect for the autumn season: warm, filling, nutritious, and (as always) gluten-free.

Sweet Potato and Zucchini Frittata

1 tbsp. Ghee*
1 tbsp. Olive oil
600 g / 3 small Sweet potatoes, shredded
1 Green zucchini, shredded
1 Yellow onion, halved and sliced into thin crescents
4 Garlic cloves
100 g Fresh kale, coarsely chopped
9 Large eggs, blended
Sea Salt, to taste
Herbs, to taste**
3 Small tomatoes, sliced thinly

Preheat the oven to 350°F.
In a large, deep skillet (or stainless steel wok) on medium heat, pour the oils and spread along the bottom of the pan.
At smoking point, add the onions and sauté for a minute or so, and then the sweet potato, zucchini, and garlic.
Cover and let soften for five to ten minutes, stirring periodically to make sure it cooks thoroughly but doesn’t burn.
Once softened, turn off the heat and toss in the salt and herbs, followed by the eggs (you may need to turn the mixture in the pan to ensure even coating).
Place the tomatoes on top in a design of your choosing.
Cover the pan with foil and baked in the oven for 30 minutes.
Take the foil of the top and allow the frittata to bake for another 20 - 30 minutes or until done.
Remove from the oven and let it sit for a couple minutes.
Slice into wedges and serve hot.

Makes 4 Servings.

*If you don't have ghee, you can substitute with regular butter. If you want this to be completely dairy free, you can just use 2 tbsp. olive oil instead.

**You could do just about anything with this dish regarding herbs. I mean, I considered allspice and cinnamon. But I ended up with a couple dashes each of tarragon, basil, and Parisian Bonnes Herbes.

My Boyfriend, The Vegetarian

His being vegetarian isn’t his only redeeming quality. He’s smart, funny, compassionate, handsome, and he believes in our relationship. He believes in making us work as much as I do. 

Air & Space Museum (see us?)

For the better part of 2013, he was my best-kept secret. Only a handful of people in my family and friendship circles even knew we were dating.  In fact, let me narrate the following conversation between my cousin and I:

Her: So Morri, I saw from Facebook that your relationship started in December of last year (we had made it Facebook official in August).

Me: (sheepish grin forming) Yeah, about that…

Her: So my question is… Why didn’t you tell me?

Or, better yet, I would mention him in passing and people would say, “Woah, woah! Hold the phone! Your boyfriend?!”

In truth, with my last relationship ending last year and being absolutely devastated by it, I was hesitant to bring this one under the Meals with Morri radar. In my logic, it was kind of like tattooing your sweetheart’s name onto your body, daring the Universe to do its worst. But the more and more we talked and spent time together (he was abroad for the majority of our relationship, teaching in Italy) over the summer, the more confident I felt that this was the person I wanted to be with as my partner. 

Our First Mead.

The ultimate lesson I am getting from this relationship is taking things in stride. Nothing is rushed. For the first time I didn’t feel like I had to be going one million miles a minute, and it was a glorious feeling to sleep in, watch Babylon 5, and make delicious food. 

Gluten Free Chicago-style Pizza

... Or at least delicious messes.

Pumpkin Uh-oh Waffles

That’s the other lesson I learned: cooking is extremely important to me when it comes to love. When he came to visit in December, he taught me to make cheese from scratch. It was the sort of moment, watching us cook together in perfect synchronization in an out-of-body sort way, that I realized I wanted this relationship to work with all my heart. I realized I was in love with him.

Koester Potatoes with fresh dill from my garden

I’ve also come to understand that there is no limitation to how much you love someone. I know this because I find ways to fall in love with him more and more each day. I find that even with hard conversations, I feel better for having them. We work to come up with solutions and not argue about who is right. We turn little things into traditions, like Waffle and Koester potatoes on Saturdays or reading to each other during long drives. We teach each other our passions, such as his love for chemistry, philosophy, and all things geektastic and my love for cooking, health, and conflict resolution.

Finally, besides "Communication! Communication! Communication!", cooking together has become my favorite pastime with him. It’s the thing I hope we never grow out of and continues bringing us together. 

Veggie Sushi with Adzuki Bean Miso and Onion Soup

So the secret is out: I have a partner. One who loves peanut butter as much as I do. One who loves being in the kitchen and wearing silly aprons. One whose family is as supportive of our being together as much as mine. One who showed me the fascinating world of DnD and vegetarian cuisine. One who wants to take me places. One who makes me nourishing food when I'm feeling less than awesome. One who is all for this adventure we call a relationship.

Us.

Now, I'm not sure if I will go full throttle vegetarian at this point, but at the moment my body is enjoying limiting meat from my diet in exchange for eggs, cheese, beans, and high protein gluten free grains. We'll see how it goes. 

Returning from Summer Break Mode

It’s funny. You would think that, following summer school and not working since the beginning of July, I’d be posting recipe after recipe after recipe. Funny, truly, because I was suddenly thrown a curveball of free time and I had no idea what I was going to do about it. Free time was something of an unknown thing to me, something I haven’t experienced in quite a while and, apparently, desperately needed.

I traveled a lot in July and August. I went on so many adventures and did so many things. What I didn’t do, however, was write down recipes or photograph finished plates. It was time well spent and it wasn’t recorded.

So here. The weekend before my last fall semester of grad school and I try to fill in the blanks of over a month of silence. I have new things to share and new recipes to try. Secret projects are still being worked on under the Meals with Morri banner, and secret they shall remain until they are completed. There is love and there is grief to express. There is perspective and there is uncertainty in the months (and possibly years) to come.

One thing is certain, dear readers, and it’s that Meals with Morri is changing. It was always intended to be an outlet, a way of sharing my ideas, art, triumphs, and stories. On the other hand, I have always been hesitant to share my beliefs about where food comes from and ethical sustainability, about global nutrition and the human condition. Meals with Morri will be home to these ideas as well, which have nothing to do with recipes and everything to do with society and politics.

This summer was a true break, one where for the first time I removed the world from my shoulders. Stress is a sickness that can destroy you if you let it, and for once I am sleeping. For once I’m not everything for everyone, and it is a glorious feeling. 

I write this as a way of stating that yes, I am alive (wonderfully so) and that I am evolving (as is Meals with Morri), that I am here and that I’m not going away.

September is the start of something new for this site. Be prepared for the shift.

Down-to-Earth Vegetarian Gumbo

Quite a few people were surprised at my lack of celebrating Earth Day. To them, I’m this all-loving, tree-hugging hippy chick that has a gluten free blog. And while I do happen to love quite a lot of things (and yes - I have, on occasion, hugged a tree), I treated Earth Day like any other day. I went to work, rested from Sunday’s epic climb, and slept. Graduate school has me napping like a champ these days.

To be fair, I had planned on posting something in the name of Earth Day: a recipe symbolizing the coming together as a global community to work on the environmental issues we have today. But for some reason I have too tired to focus on anything but school and work this semester to do anything else. It was marked on my calendar and everything.

(source)

I remember early in the semester watching The 11th Hour in my Environmental Conflict Resolution class. We didn’t get to finish the film, so I left the room absolutely horrified by what the world has dealt with. True, the movie is meant to stress the consequences of pollution, overfishing, and taking more resources than we give back, but it definitely hit home for me. For the first time, this hippy was very angry at humanity… and feeling very insignificant in how she could make things better. How in the world could my attempts in using energy-efficient light bulbs or turning off the thermostat once in a while solve anything? That's the point, though, isn't it. We can't do it alone.

The reason why food has become my focus in conflict resolution has much to do with environmental awareness. I’ve become fascinated by the sustainable and “know your farmer” movement, which is why I’ve decided to devote a post every week to a farmers market outing starting in May. Each week will be a different market highlighting the amazing farmers that make them unique and delicious.

It may not save the world of all its problems, but it’s a start.

Vegetarian Gumbo

21 g Unsalted butter (or olive oil for a herbivore friendly dish)
21 g Olive oil
30 g Garbanzo bean flour
1 qt. Veggie broth or water
1 Carrot, finely diced
1 Celery stalk, finely diced
2 Yellow onions, finely diced
3 Shallots, finely diced
2 Garlic cloves, coarsely chopped
454 g Chopped bell peppers (I used a combination of green, yellow, and red)
794 g Canned whole and peeled plum tomatoes, drained and coarsely chopped
3 tbsp. / 7 g Dried parsley
1 tsp. Dried thyme
1 Bay leaf
1 tbsp. Coconut aminos (or gluten free Worchester sauce)
1 tsp. Sea salt
1 tsp. Ground pepper
283 g fresh/frozen okra (cut into 1/4-inch slices)

In a large pot on medium-low heat, melt the butter with the olive oil until it begins to bubble.
Slowly stir in the garbanzo bean flour and once thoroughly combined and slightly browned (there should be a distinct nutty smell), followed by carefully pouring in the vegetable broth in manageable increments.
Add in the vegetables and spices to cook on medium heat for forty minutes to an hour.
Turn off the heat and remove the bay leaf.
Ladle into bowls over rice while hot.

Makes 6 – 8 servings.

Everything Ventured, Everything Gained

It has been a slow but sure process of getting my act together, and to be honest I don’t know where to start. Eight weeks of being on autopilot, of finding the balance of taking care of myself and still being responsive and kind to others’ needs, of wondering if graduate school was the right choice, of being numb and filling the void with not so smart choices, and it finally came crashing down around me. 

'Tis the season to be changing...

I struggled to find out what happened, what went wrong with my plan of discovering what being “successful” and “grown up” meant, and there were a lot of factors to consider. I own my mistakes, and accept that I’ve made quite a few as of late, especially where others have been on the receiving end of them. But everything happens for a reason, and my priorities are thankfully back on track.

October was a “shift or be shifted month”, and November follows with self-reflection and being the best Morri I can be. Perhaps it was getting an “A” on my first graduate school paper that has me truly believing that everything is okay, or that I finally have the information to heal myself from the inside out. So to really work on this aspect, I've decided to celebrate "Good Nutrition Month." For the entire month of November I will be going fairly "primal" (as shown on Mark's Daily Apple) in my eating habits, and have officially removed coffee from my diet completely.

My search for fulfillment of the higher self was like searching for a coffee substitute: everywhere I looked there was something offered but nothing that truly fit to my needs. There are herbal coffee replacements out there, the majority of which contain roasted grains of the gluten variety. I was excited to see that Elana of Elana’s Pantry had this recipe for a gluten free, DIY coffee alternative, and I couldn’t wait to come up with my own ratio for a mug of "Joe".

Over a week of drinking my own brew and I haven’t drunken any coffee. Sure, the desire for tea and hot cocoa comes and goes, but this has been my go-to drink as a way to warm my core while the temperature drops a little more each day. I prefer to drink it black, as it has this fantastic peppery taste to it my palate adores, but I also recommend it in the form of a latte with almond milk and honey/stevia. I’ve also prepared it in two ways, depending on how “chewy” (i.e., concentrated) I want a cup to be. Regardless, it still fulfills my coffee needs, and is a wonderful drink to have in the mornings while eating breakfast and in the afternoons with a small snack before dinner.

Note: this recipe is a ratio*, so no matter how much you make, it will still turn out delicious. (And stay tuned for “coffee” recipes and variations in the coming weeks!)

Morri’s Herbal Coffee Alternative

4 parts Roasted chicory root
2 parts Roasted dandelion root
1 part Raw cacao powder

For a more concentrated brew:
Combine a mug’s worth of water with a heaping teaspoon of my HCA in a small saucepan on high heat.
Get it to a rolling boil and then simmer for five minutes.
Pour the liquid through a small strainer into your mug of choice.
Add your preferences of creamer and sweetener (or leave it black) and enjoy hot.

For a lighter brew:
Prepare water in a kettle like you would for tea and place a heaping teaspoon of my HCA in a liquid measuring cup (I used my two-cup measuring cup).
Once the water is steaming and the kettle is whistling, remove from heat and pour the water in with the HFA and allow it to steep for five minutes.
Pour the liquid through a small strainer into your mug of choice.
Add your preferences of creamer and sweetener (or leave it black) and enjoy hot.

Both directions make 1 serving.

*For example, my jar of HCA contains about 100 g chicory root, 50 g dandelion root, and 25 g cacao.

The Last Days of Summer

Summer is slowly fading into fall, a time where hoodies and leggings become a common occurrence in northern Virginia. Change. That’s that word that comes to mind with a season’s birth from its predecessor's death. The wind is crisper. The air is cleaner. The sky is temperamental and absolutely beautiful in contrast with the leaves turning color. With such amazing feats of nature, why focus on the stressful things in life?

So much is going on behind the scenes of Meals with Morri, things I am timid with sharing and bringing out into the open. The majority of it has nothing to do with food or cooking, but everything to do with moving on, wellness and healing, and personal empowerment. Luckily, I have a plethora of posts I’m really excited to share with you, such as:

• A product review (click here)
• A new page on the MWM site
• Food inspirations from friends and family
• Fermenting (which I have been doing, I swear)
• Foodie adventures
• Getting back into the GFRR groove
• Health and fitness updates
• … and so much more!

As this is the last official week of summer (when did that happen?), I thought to share a recipe or two of something I view to be the epitome of the summer months.

The smoothie.

Oh, there’s a smoothie or two on this blog already, but I feel that next summer will be the smoothie season on this blog. Blended into a drink of nutritious goodness, you can put anything in it as meal on the go. Fruits and veggies, dairy and non dairy components, powders and spices… it is so versatile and takes maybe a minute or two to go from blender to cup.

Smoothie making, what a beautiful concept indeed.

In my vigilance to lowering my coffee intake (it’s between 30 – 60 ml now), my adrenals have been grateful and my mornings are not so chaotic and manic. There are some days, though, where a pick-me-up is desired and I came up with this recipe.

Good morning, Sunshine! Smoothie

1 Frozen banana
140 g Frozen mango chunks
10 g Chia seeds
10 g Bee pollen
240 ml Filtered water*
11 g Coconut electrolytes*

Place all of the ingredients into the blender and mix until thoroughly combined.

Makes 2 servings.

* You can use anything in place of the water, such as coconut water (in which case the electrolytes wouldn’t be needed), dairy or non-dairy milk, or juice.

The following recipe was my most recent smoothie attempt. It has fresh fig in it, a fruit that I adore dried and baked but really want to learn to like them fresh. It also has açaí puree, an interesting find in my local Harris Teeter’s frozen food section. Both fruits are not overtly sweet as far a fruits go, and most certainly not tart at all. The resulting smoothie, as it was pointed out to me, tasted like a simple bowl of oatmeal made right.

I’m still figuring that statement out.

Açaí and Fig Smoothie

100 g Frozen açaí puree
4 Fresh figs *
1 Banana *
360 – 480 ml Unsweetened almond milk, depending on preference to thickness

Place all of the ingredients into the blender and mix until thoroughly combined.

Makes 2 servings.

* I would recommend freezing the figs and banana for a creamy, ice cream-like consistency, though blending them from room temperature is fine.

Being Full

It seemed to come out of nowhere. Little by little, bit by bit, I felt it after every experience that I have mentioned (and not mentioned) on this site. For the first time, what seems to have been years, I am full. Contentedly, ecstatically full. I haven't been this happy or this grounded in such a long time.

From the breakup to meeting people that have become chosen family to farmers markets to fermentation and soaking to the death my family experienced last week, it has led me here: I am satiated, absolutely and wholly, because I know where I am going. I know who I am for me, and I know what I’m going to do to make the world a better place.

My sleeping better has quite a few variables, though I’m not sure which one is the main reason for my SMI going away: it could be I’m living life for myself, that I’m taking my second dose of Armour Thyroid earlier in the day, or, most likely, because I’m eating.

I’ve officially moved from “eating to live” to the “living to eat” category, and that doesn’t necessarily mean gluttony. It means that I’m able to pick up my body’s elusive cues, and trusting those cues, knowing that I’m hungry and why. I’ve started eating more, and as a result, my body is filling out. I’m still the around the same weight, less even, but my curves are more defined and for the first time ever I am accepting of my body.

Then of course there are those days I do wake up before 6 a.m., and I think to myself: “I have the choice of eating more and sleeping longer, and thus weighing “more”, or the choice of eating the amount I think I should, and thus waking up earlier and ‘weighing less’.” It’s that old voice of what I should be doing and what I should look like that gets me still, because it thinks of food, eating, and body image as “right or wrong”. It’s that old voice’s logic that I have to choose between sleep health and nutritional health, when my health as a collective is what I feel to be the most important. Finally, it’s that old voice that tries to rain on my parade that my body is filling out, because I had worked on controlling my body to be what I viewed as Beauty By Thinness for so long.

From this I learned that I’m surprisingly okay with this change (much to that old voice’s surprise and disdain), because I am still Morri: the girl who cooks, is progressively getting better at both yoga and rock climbing, is applying for grad school, and yes, is definitely going places.

So if that means I have the curves my body has tried for years to show what health looks like for me, I accept those terms unequivocally and entirely to their fullest extent. Now comes the challenge of eating when hungry over eating because of habit (as in, not eating at 9 a.m. because I’m no longer up at 3:30), and thankfully I have the tools and support to know the difference.

Swiss & Fig Grits Cake Squares

200 g CGF White grits
45 ml Whey
Filtered water
1 tsp. Sea salt
8 Large eggs
120 g Swiss cheese, sliced or grated
8 Fresh Black Mission figs, sliced vertically into fourths

In a bowl (preferably glass), combine the grits, whey, and water and let it sit covered at room temperature overnight to twenty-four hours.
Pour the contents of the grit mixture into a medium-sized saucepan, and pour additional filtered water so that it tops the grits halfway between the joints.
Preheat the oven to 350ºF.
Cook at medium-low heat until thickened, and then turn it off to cool slightly for thirty minutes.
In another bowl (possibly the bowl you used for soaking the grits), beat the eggs thoroughly, and while stirring the grits, slowly pour and integrate the ingredients to avoid curdling.
In a greased 12 x 12” baking pan*, layer with half the eggy grits mixture, cheese, fig, and top with the remaining grits. (If you half leftover fig slices, simply place it on top.)
Bake for 1 hour, until golden brown on the top and cooked through.
Turn off the oven and let it sit for fifteen minutes or so before cutting and serving.

Makes 16 servings.

* I have a preference for "tall" foods, ones with layers and stacked high rather than spread out. This recipe would also work with a larger pan, with one layer of the eggy grits topped with the fig and cheese (or whatever other ingredients you want to add).

Going Homemade!: Nut & Seed Butters

In the course of a week, the chest cold and the coughing has taken its toll. My physical body’s condition, while less than ideal, has not affected my mental or emotional health. I am more driven than ever to do the things I need to do day-to-day to ultimately get to where I want to go. I’m letting go of old habits, donating material possessions to others who need them more than I do, and cleaning up both externally and internally.

I may be coughing and not able to climb or practice Vinyasa, but I’m quite happy with my life. My first week of school gave me the impression that I was exactly where I needed to be, having professors and peers that are going to challenge and inspire me, introduce me to a higher level of learning and observation, and look on as I enhance my knowledge of conflict resolution.

So, with all this going on in a such a short span of time, I am quite behind in recipes. I spent the majority of my days sleeping and reading, slurping soup and drinking tea. I did not venture outside the home only when completely necessary, and even then it was for quick errands. The kitchen was my haven in creating warm meals and drinks, but I didn’t have the energy to ready my camera and position the lens, let alone writing down the recipes. But I have a feeling September will be the month to start the fall off with an abundance of recipes and insights, adventures near and far, and yours truly back in the peak of health.

For three weeks, I’ve yet to buy nut butter, canned beans, and kefir, and revel in how different they taste when made from scratch. I don’t have digestive upsets because I’m soaking my legumes and grains (both in whey and apple cider vinegar). I’m buying the majority of my produce from farmers markets and am pleasantly surprised how much fuller and more nourished I feel. Coffee is slowly being removed from my system, and I’m starting to actually hear what my body is saying.

In all of these changes, I hear it say “Thank you.”

 “Keeping your body healthy is an expression of gratitude to the whole cosmos - the trees, the clouds, everything.” (T. N. Hanh)

The thing with making your own nut butters and spreads is how vast the amount of different recipes you can come up with. As I said, I haven’t bought nut butter in three weeks, all because of these recipes:

Roasted Salted Almond Butter (an Ashley classic at the Edible Perspective)

280 g Raw, unsalted almonds

1/2 tsp. Sea salt

Preheat the oven to 300ºF.

Spread the almonds on a large baking sheet lined with parchment paper.

Roast for 22 minutes, until golden brown and aromatic, stirring 2 to 3 times.

Remove and add to your food processor and process, scraping down the sides as necessary.

Process for 6 – 12 minutes, continuing to scrape as needed. 

Once it is smooth and creamy, add the salt and process for another minute or so until it is at the desired consistency.

Makes 10 servings.

This recipe was the beginning of the end for me. An end of buying pre-made nut butters forever. It was so simple and tasted so different than its plastic-jarred cousin, I had to see what else I could make. My Creative Mind called for a challenge: a nut-free spread. Alas, I ate it all before snapping a photo, but I will definitely be making sunflower seed butter and pepita spread respectively.

Multi-Seed Nut-free Butter

150 g Pepitas, raw and unsalted

150 g Sunflower seeds, raw and unsalted

1/2 tsp. Sea salt

12 g Sesame seeds

10 g Chia seeds

2 g Poppy seeds

Preheat the oven to 300ºF.

Spread the pepitas and sunflower seeds on a large baking sheet lined with parchment paper.

Roast for 22 minutes, until golden brown and aromatic, stirring 2 to 3 times.

Remove and add to your food processor and process, scraping down the sides as necessary.

Process for 6 – 12 minutes, continuing to scrape as needed. 

Once it is smooth, add the remaining ingredients and process for another minute or so until it is at the desired consistency.

Makes 10 servings.

This is certainly an experiment worth trying, especially for those who can handle seeds but not nuts in their diet. It was savory in taste, but it tasted wonderful on fruits and grains regardless.

Finally, I decided to work with walnuts. I was delighted by the marvelous consistency it has as a spread, and how little time it took to liquify in the food processor!  It has a strong flavor, but I loved that particular quality.

Sweet Cinnamon Walnut Butter

300 g Raw, unsalted walnut pieces

1/2 tsp. Sea salt

1/2 tsp. Cinnamon

Stevia, to taste (optional)

Preheat the oven to 300ºF.

Spread the walnut pieces on a large baking sheet lined with parchment paper.

Roast for 22 – 25 minutes, until golden brown and aromatic, stirring 2 to 3 times.

Remove and add to your food processor and process, scraping down the sides as necessary.

Process for 3 – 5 minutes, continuing to scrape as needed. 

Once it is smooth, add the remaining ingredients and process for another minute or so until it is at the desired consistency.

Makes 10 servings.

Stay tuned for more nut/seed butters and spreads! If you have any cool combinations of flavors (say, Curry Almond Butter or Pumpkin Spice Pecan Butter) you want me to try, leave your suggestions in a comment below. Oh, and don’t forget to say what you have it with.

Decompressing it all

I can’t even begin to describe August, and even if I can there is no way I can give it justice. So many good things came from the whirlwind that blew past: meeting with family and making chosen family, my further understanding of food and fermentation, farmers markets, working with an amazing group of kids, taking a course or two in the fall as a non-degree graduate student, and finally taking charge of my life.

 It’s time I grow up.

After my weekend in Toledo with new-found chosen family and coming home with new ambitions and goals, I finally have someone with an outside view to help me make sense of it all. It’s dizzying, gratifying, and very much necessary that I hold onto my own power and make things happen for me. But since this is the last week of camp, I am focusing on my 9 1/2 hours with the kids, and doing my best to not get wrapped up in the waves but to ride them in style.

In order to do this, I’ve been eating wholesome, tummy-happy foods and experimenting with soaking grains. My house has seen them as porridges and congees, puddings and simply eating from the jar. Besides my Sweet Beet Steel Cut Oatmeal, I made the multi-grain congee I said I’d make last year and a savory oat dish that I was very happy with.

Multi-grain Congee shown on the right

Multi-grain Congee

45 g Brown rice
50 g Teff
42 g Quinoa
45 g Steel cut oats
40 g Rolled oats
48 g Wild rice
45 g Forbidden (Purple) rice  
Filtered water
15 ml Unrefined apple cider vinegar

Soak the ingredients overnight to twenty-four hours (the longer, the better).
To see how I make congee, click here.

Makes 7 servings.

This particular congee was deliciously sweet, and the perfect base for apple chunks, coconut flakes, peanut butter, cacao nibs, and chia seeds. Butter and coconut oil can be interchanged depending on your preference or dietary lifestyle.

For some reason, the United States usually sees oatmeal as a sweet phenomenon. Even the savory ingredients used, such as carrot or pumpkin, only amplify the natural sweetness of the oat grain. I made quite a delicious dinner last week consisting of steel cut oatmeal, stir-fried leafy greens, and egg, and was determined to try and get my beloved rolled oats into the savory category of my palate as well.

Though I was no longer the Art Specialist for camp, I did work with such a wonderful team of staff and kids alike. These kids are thought of having “special needs”, which only means that there are some things they need to work on more in a classroom dynamic. I learned a lot from them, especially how we’re all not so different and the beauty of patience, but it still took a lot out of me.

To keep myself balanced, I made a lovechild of chicken soup and chicken with dumplings. It was one of those lunches I didn’t think much of… until I took a bite. This is definitely something to make for those sick days you need to use up for work.

Savory Chicken Oatmeal

40 g CGF Rolled oats
Filtered water
5 ml Unrefined apple cider vinegar
2 Chicken tender pieces (or whatever chicken you happen to have on hand that equals a serving), cut into bite-sized chunks or left whole
1 Celery rib, finely chopped
1 Small carrot, finely chopped
25 g Petite peas
1 Small white onion, finely chopped
3 Garlic cloves, coarsely chopped
Salt and spices, to taste

Soak the oats in the filtered water and cider vinegar for twenty-four hours or more.
Pour the oats into a small saucepan with additional filtered water and cook on low heat until thickened.
In a small cast iron pan (or stainless steel pan if you have it), cook the remaining ingredients with enough water to cover (my chicken was frozen, which gave the stock an amazing depth of flavor and stayed in nice cubes after cutting into pieces).
Allow both pans to bubble (watch it so they don’t burn) and check on the chicken and vegetables to ensure doneness.
Pour the oatmeal in a large bowl and top it with the other ingredients.
Serve hot.

Makes 1 serving.

The "Whey" I'm Heading

While Mama Dazz is off on one of her super duper important job adventures, I have taken the liberty to implement my plan to change the way we eat food... and using the majority (if not all) the kitchen's counter space. 

Those with healthy eating blogs and websites eat healthily, and I thought I was healthily eating healthy foods in a healthful sort of way. But then something clicks for you, in my case a hike in the woods with HL who told me how she discovered her love of fermenting food, and then I started doing research about what and how I was eating. 

You could say I saw a new “whey” of thinking.

Fermenting food, with salt, whey, and sugars of all sorts, is changing my life for the better. It rippled into other aspects of health and I began questioning: why I was drinking whole milk products that were homogenized and pasteurized and not raw; for that matter, why I was eating anything pasteurized to start; why I was drinking caffeine every morning (more on this later); why there was "edible" wax on certain fruits and veggies I ate*; why I wasn’t soaking or sprouting grains/legumes/seeds every time I prepared to eat them (more on this later also); and why not everything I ate was either organic, from an eco-friendly sustainable source, something I grew or helped raise, or local? I need to be the change I wish to see for the world. A lot of things weren’t adding up, and I didn’t like it.  

So today, as an experiment, I went shopping for this week’s provisions, all organic from Trader Joe's and from the farmers market**. It turned out it essentially cost the same, in some cases less to buy our food this way! I plan on getting raw milk from the Amish farm to make my own yogurt/kefir, soft cheese, and whey, and ordering our legumes and grains online. Until then, I’m using up the food we have, enjoying goat milk in my hot drinks, dreaming about lacto-fermentation (both the whey way and the sea salt way), kombucha, and getting ready to soak some sprouts. 

This post marks the journey of how Meals with Morri is looking at and treating food differently, and the usage of many, many mason jars.

* "Edible" by these standards means "non-toxic".
** I went to the Cascades Farmers Market this time, was thoroughly impressed, but be sure to bring cash with you since few accept credit cards.

A Vacation From July

The word “vacation” is defined thusly: an extended period of recreation, esp. one spent away from home or in traveling. In layman’s terms, it is the act of vacating your current position, maybe with a full tank of gas in your car, a toothbrush, and going elsewhere with a “See ya!” and not looking back.

July was that kind of month for me, and August brought the vacation I needed.

So at 4:30 in the morning on Wednesday, I drove my little red car to Bedford, Pennsylvania. It was so nice being the only person on the road, watching the blue mountains change colors as the sun rose along my journey, driving through fog and lightly falling rain, listening to various uplifting playlists on my iPod, and not in a hurry to get anywhere in particular. The early birds of the family were the first to greet me when I arrived at 7:20, and I crashed on the couch until 9:45, when Daddy-O and his wife Allison hugged me goodbye.

The House in Bedford, or so we lovingly call the many-roomed cabin by the lake, is one big chill pill in the mountains that I desperately needed. I got to stay in the smaller cabin by the road with my cousin and her boyfriend, and we would go up to the bigger cabin to eat, read, nap, and socialize. 

My reading materials were what inspired me on that trip, and the push forward toward my plans in changing the world: Sandor Katz’s Wild Fermentation and Mel Bartholomew’s Square Foot Gardening. (And then I come home to my Mountain Rose Herbs package all about sprouting, which inspired me even more.)

I then put it out into the universe: “Sprouting. Fermenting. Culturing. It’s happening, people.”

And wouldn’t you know it; I have just the place to post it all on.

I came back yesterday afternoon with a spring in my step, because I’ve never felt so sure of anything in my life. Making life to nourish others (and myself, naturally) is such a grounding thing, and I can’t wait to share it with you.

There’s going to be a lot of change on Meals with Morri in the coming months. There’s going to be a lot of change regarding Morri as well, so stay tuned!

Whenever there has been a huge impact on my life, I like to cook chicken. After reading Paul Pitchford's Healing with Whole Foods, I really started looking at what I put into my body and really started caring about how the food was grown, raised, and processed. I not only took my “Best Oven-Baked Chicken You’ll Ever Make” method and stepped it up a notch by adding a super secret ingredient to make it even better (honey) I also tried a different brand than I usually get (Trader Joe’s kosher chicken leg quarters).

I could definitely taste the difference.

Sweet n’ Herby Oven-Baked Chicken

4 (Roughly 2 lbs.) Chicken Leg Quarters
Sea salt
1/4 tsp. Thyme
1/4 tsp. Oregano
1/4 tsp. French tarragon
1/4 tsp. Basil
30 ml Honey

Preheat the oven to 400ºF.*
Measure out the honey and spices in two small individual bowls and set aside.
Place the chicken in a cast iron skillet (some overlapping may occur, but that’s fine), dry the skin and dash the surface with sea salt, and cook for one hour.
Remove the chicken from the oven and carefully pour some of the fat in with the honey (at least equal parts), thoroughly incorporate, and coat the skin using a silicon brush.
Sprinkle the spices on top of the skin and bake for another 30 minutes (You can give the chicken a second coating at any time if you have any honey-fat mixture left over).
Remove from the oven and let it sit for ten minutes before serving.

Serves 4.

* I noticed that cooking the chicken at 400ºF produced juicier chicken meat, but baking it at 425ºF like my original method works too.