All Work and No Play

The Burt-man recently asked me if I have enough fun. It’s the sort of question that hits you in the face like cold water in the mornings. It wakes you up. It makes you think.

I go to school full time. In grad school terms, that’s nine credits or higher. That’s nine hours in the classroom, six of them being in the late evening. I then devote three days to studying, one for each class, and studying (as well as paper writing and presentation making) can take up to fifteen hours in total. I also work part-time; nothing fancy, just twelve hours three days a week. It takes my mind off school and it’s one of the best jobs I’ve ever had, but it’s still a job. It still takes a lot of energy to be present for the kids as well as my co-workers.

If we add it all together, plus the time it takes to commute, school and work equal to a full-time job. (Mad respect for grad school students who are parents and/or with full-time careers. You guys are the kings and queens of time management.)

Due to the change in my schedule this semester, this meant I had to stop rock climbing for a while. (I just about cried when I told SportRock I needed to freeze my account.) I couldn’t make the time to go in the evenings, because by that point I was exhausted and all I wanted to do was read another novel from Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series. My mornings have been devoted to sleeping eight hours, and simply just chilling out or working on projects. I barely had the energy to do Insanity, let alone to go out and see people and go on adventures. I’ve never been so appreciative of my bed before this semester, or sleeping in general.

I'm so jealous that my cats can literally sleep whenever they want.

It’s the final stretch towards obtaining my Masters Degree, and it has me hyperfocusing so narrowly that I literally have to schedule fun and force myself out the door to have it. Don’t get me wrong; I love my classes and my job. I enjoy the readings, the discussions, and being in the classroom. I cherish the time I have with the kids and my friends at work. But the Burt-man’s question irked me, because it’s true. I’ve forgotten how to have spontaneous fun without the fear of procrastination and motivation looming over my head.

Fun became an expense. I couldn't afford it anymore.

I also have been preparing for my internship in 2014. Yes, I got an internship. In Malta. For a year. I have never been so excited and so terrified for anything before. I will be leaving in early December to settle into this new chapter of my life. So along with the typical week I mentioned, I also have a year of being abroad to consider: what to pack, what paperwork is needed, where I’ll be living, how I will need to budget, etc. I considered doing distance-learning classes along with the internship and my school’s requirements for internship credit in the spring, but decided against it. Why? Because I’m going to be in Malta, that’s why! Because my internship is a forty-hour workweek, and because I want to do my best and still have fun while I’m there.

So with papers and projects coming up (or in one class’s case, a midterm due tomorrow), I am getting myself in the writing groove by writing this post and talking about emotional health.  Guys, everyone needs fun for themselves, even when your schoolwork and your job are things you look forward to every day. You need time (or a day) to yourself to do things for you. That’s why I’m getting myself out of this motivation rut and will set aside time to myself every day to make fun and be creative. If you focus on all the things that have to get done, nothing ever will. Recipes won't happen. Grades will start slipping. Depression and illness will settle in. Work will seem like a chore. 

So I'm having fun this fall. I'm making time and I'm making meals again.

Autumn is my favorite season. I love the crisp in the air, the color changing in the leaves, and the seasonal crops on the shelves and in the farmers markets. Virginia is bursting with apples, squash, and dark leafy greens, and I wanted to honor that with a dish. It’s a casserole that will keep you warm on those rainy days and chilly evenings. I call it the Three Sisters Casserole because it has corn, squash, and legumes in it, but you can most certainly taste the autumn in every bite.

Three Sisters Casserole

Pumpkin Cornbread batter*
227 g Cooked black beans
1 Medium Zucchini, thinly sliced
200 g Kale, coarsely chopped
3 (240 g) Chicken Thighs, cooked and coarsely chopped**
1 Yellow onion, halved and cut into thin crescents
3 Garlic cloves, coarsely chopped
1/2 tsp. Sea salt
Dash of Sage
50 g Parmesan cheese

Preheat the oven to 425°F.
In a medium sized bowl, combined the dry ingredients and then the wet ingredients of the pumpkin cornbread batter and set aside.
In a large pot (or stainless steel wok) on medium heat, pour a tablespoon of your cooking oil of choice.
Upon smoking temperature, sauté the onion, garlic, zucchini, and kale and cook until soft.
Add the beans and chicken and continue cooking on medium-low heat for five minutes and add the sea salt and the sage.
Turn off the heat and sprinkle the Parmesan cheese on top.
Pour the batter over top and bake for 25 – 30 minutes, or until the crust is golden brown and it is cooked all the way through.

Serves 4 – 6.

*Pumpkin Cornbread
90 g Sorghum flour
1 tsp. Baking soda
1 tsp. Unrefined Apple Cider Vinegar
21 g Honey
3/4 tsp. Sea salt
150 g Masa flour
2 Large eggs
15 g Ghee (or melted butter)
250 ml Whole Milk
250 ml Water
200 g Pumpkin puree

Prepare as you would your typical cornbread recipe, which can be found here.

**Vegetarian, you say? No problem! Simply replace the chicken with another 240 g of cooked beans. You can also substitute it with mushrooms, butternut squash, more cheese, or additional veggies.

At the Thanksgiving Table

Thanksgiving was a week ago and I still haven’t posted my Turkey Day recipes. Even with the oven going wonky on our four pies, the turkey itself turned out as amazing as we’d hoped it would, and our other oven-based delights were baked in our “small” convection oven instead. My vacation from school and work was filled with love and great food, with traveling and new experiences, with wonderful lessons and deeper friendships made. It’s the kind of thing you will remember for the rest of your life, something you will always be grateful for specifically. 

Now that’s my kind of Thanksgiving. (If you are interested, click here to for a glimpse of last year's Turkey Day round-up.) 

As always, Uncle R brought his infamous pot of collards to share. Meanwhile Mama Dazz made a delightful cranberry sauce (some of which was stevia sweetened for Grandma D and me), sweet potato biscuits (not gluten free, sadly), a large dish of cornbread stuffing (also not gluten free), and three of the four pies I mentioned (pecan, coconut macaroon, sweet potato). I focused my energy on three things: the turkey, stuffing I could eat, and my pumpkin pie.*

Is it worth brining your own turkey and making your own stuffing from start to finish? Yes, my friends, it is. There is something similar to pride to know that you bought your bird from a farmer you know and respect, and seeing how beautiful the end result is to have a perfectly cooked and flavorful turkey. I can safely say I don’t intend on buying turkey from the store in the many holidays to come.

In fact, this reminds me of a funny scene from the show Portlandia, taken from YouTube for your viewing pleasure.

 

Holiday Bird Brine (Inspired by this recipe)

1 Small yellow onion, coarsely chopped
1 Celery stalk, coarsely chopped
3 Garlic cloves, halved
3 Bay leaves
1 tbsp. Black peppercorns
1 tsp. Yellow mustard seeds
130 g (or 1/2 c.) Sea salt
Filtered water (1 gallon to start the brine, and then enough to submerge your bird)**

Place the ingredients in a large cooking pot and cook on medium heat until steam and slight simmering is visible.
Turn off the heat and let it come to room temperature before doing anything at all with the bird.
Prepare your bird by removing the organs and neck*** and placing it in a very large cooking pot that enables you to completely submerge it in brining liquid.
Carefully pour the brine over the bird and continue to add more water until the brine covers it completely.
Cover the pot and place it in a cold environment (either your refrigerator or a tall cooler with plenty of ice) for a period of 12 – 24 hours.
When finished with brining, remove the excess vegetables and spices from the bird and roast in the oven as usual.****

Makes over 1 gallon of brine.

*Although this year's gluten free pumpkin pie didn’t turn out as I had hoped, the grain-free pie crust was delicious (with enough left over to make another pie with in December). You can find a recipe that did work here.
**The bird we enjoyed weighed around 14 lbs.
***We use the organs and neck to help in creating tasty gravy, and also add it to our stuffing for additional nutrition.
****We didn’t do it this year, but I think cooking the brine along with the carcass would make an excellent stock. Has anyone ever done this before? I’d love to hear how it turned out.

As I said, I made stuffing I was very satisfied with. I wasn’t in a mashed potatoes sort of mood, so at the last minute (and by last minute, I mean three hours before the feast itself) I decided I wanted to make stuffing I could eat. After my not so pleasant experiences my body dealt with going Primal for three weeks, I’ve been eating grains and other sources of carbohydrates at practically every meal. I could have easily made this a grain-free delight, and perhaps for Yule I will, but I was craving cornbread something fierce. The cornbread itself was solely made for the stuffing, so when it came out of the oven it was a tad dry and unappetizing and something I wouldn’t recommend as a finished product. As part of a stuffing, however, I’d say it was the perfect component to a moist yet sturdy spoonful of dressing.

Cornbread Stuffing

For the cornbread:*
240 g Coarse corn flour
1 Large egg
250 ml Filtered water
42 g Butter, melted**

Remaining ingredients:
200 g Pulsed turkey organ and neck meat***
1 Celery stalk, finely chopped
1 Small yellow onion, finely chopped
2 Large eggs, beaten
1 tsp. Sea salt
1/2 tsp. Baking soda
1/2 tsp. Unrefined apple cider vinegar
1/4 tsp. Powdered or rubbed sage
1/4 tsp. Rosemary powder
1/4 tsp. Thyme
1/4 tsp. Cracked pepper
240 ml Filtered water

Preheat the oven to 350°F.
Combine the ingredients in a medium sized bowl and mix until thoroughly combined.
Pour into a greased small cast iron pan and bake for 45 minutes or until done.
Take the pan from the oven and begin cubing the bread with a knife.
With a large spoon or spatula, remove the cubes from the pan and pour them into a large mixing bowl.
Add the remaining ingredients and fold carefully.
Pour the dressing into a 8x8” baking pan and cook for 1 hour and 15 minutes, or until the internal temperature has reached at minimum 165°F.
Remove the pan from the oven and slice or spoon onto the plates
Serve hot.****

Makes 4 – 6 servings.

*If you happen to have cornbread or any gluten free bread on hand, use about 600 g and cut into bite-sized cubes.
**For a dairy free version, replace the butter with your preferred baking oil of choice like olive oil, coconut oil, and various nut/seed oils.
***Should you like to keep this vegetarian or you don’t have organ meat on hand, I’d recommend pulsed walnut/cashew pieces, left over mashed potatoes or pumpkin/sweet potato/butternut squash puree.
****Stuffing is a lot like pizza, in that it’s a great leftover food eaten hot or cold.

Being Full

It seemed to come out of nowhere. Little by little, bit by bit, I felt it after every experience that I have mentioned (and not mentioned) on this site. For the first time, what seems to have been years, I am full. Contentedly, ecstatically full. I haven't been this happy or this grounded in such a long time.

From the breakup to meeting people that have become chosen family to farmers markets to fermentation and soaking to the death my family experienced last week, it has led me here: I am satiated, absolutely and wholly, because I know where I am going. I know who I am for me, and I know what I’m going to do to make the world a better place.

My sleeping better has quite a few variables, though I’m not sure which one is the main reason for my SMI going away: it could be I’m living life for myself, that I’m taking my second dose of Armour Thyroid earlier in the day, or, most likely, because I’m eating.

I’ve officially moved from “eating to live” to the “living to eat” category, and that doesn’t necessarily mean gluttony. It means that I’m able to pick up my body’s elusive cues, and trusting those cues, knowing that I’m hungry and why. I’ve started eating more, and as a result, my body is filling out. I’m still the around the same weight, less even, but my curves are more defined and for the first time ever I am accepting of my body.

Then of course there are those days I do wake up before 6 a.m., and I think to myself: “I have the choice of eating more and sleeping longer, and thus weighing “more”, or the choice of eating the amount I think I should, and thus waking up earlier and ‘weighing less’.” It’s that old voice of what I should be doing and what I should look like that gets me still, because it thinks of food, eating, and body image as “right or wrong”. It’s that old voice’s logic that I have to choose between sleep health and nutritional health, when my health as a collective is what I feel to be the most important. Finally, it’s that old voice that tries to rain on my parade that my body is filling out, because I had worked on controlling my body to be what I viewed as Beauty By Thinness for so long.

From this I learned that I’m surprisingly okay with this change (much to that old voice’s surprise and disdain), because I am still Morri: the girl who cooks, is progressively getting better at both yoga and rock climbing, is applying for grad school, and yes, is definitely going places.

So if that means I have the curves my body has tried for years to show what health looks like for me, I accept those terms unequivocally and entirely to their fullest extent. Now comes the challenge of eating when hungry over eating because of habit (as in, not eating at 9 a.m. because I’m no longer up at 3:30), and thankfully I have the tools and support to know the difference.

Swiss & Fig Grits Cake Squares

200 g CGF White grits
45 ml Whey
Filtered water
1 tsp. Sea salt
8 Large eggs
120 g Swiss cheese, sliced or grated
8 Fresh Black Mission figs, sliced vertically into fourths

In a bowl (preferably glass), combine the grits, whey, and water and let it sit covered at room temperature overnight to twenty-four hours.
Pour the contents of the grit mixture into a medium-sized saucepan, and pour additional filtered water so that it tops the grits halfway between the joints.
Preheat the oven to 350ºF.
Cook at medium-low heat until thickened, and then turn it off to cool slightly for thirty minutes.
In another bowl (possibly the bowl you used for soaking the grits), beat the eggs thoroughly, and while stirring the grits, slowly pour and integrate the ingredients to avoid curdling.
In a greased 12 x 12” baking pan*, layer with half the eggy grits mixture, cheese, fig, and top with the remaining grits. (If you half leftover fig slices, simply place it on top.)
Bake for 1 hour, until golden brown on the top and cooked through.
Turn off the oven and let it sit for fifteen minutes or so before cutting and serving.

Makes 16 servings.

* I have a preference for "tall" foods, ones with layers and stacked high rather than spread out. This recipe would also work with a larger pan, with one layer of the eggy grits topped with the fig and cheese (or whatever other ingredients you want to add).

Considering

There was a moment in between applying for various volunteer and intern positions this morning where I considered my favorite kinds of foods. 

Morri considering food, you say to yourself, is nothing new. 

I know.

Morri thinks about food all the time, you continue, whether it is recipes, cookbooks, philosophy, or future endeavors regarding the restaurant business or a non-profit organization. 

I know.

It’s nothing new, you conclude. 

I know.

So on this rainy morning, while considering the option to replace today’s running with Monday’s workout, I take a breather before resuming another search on idealist.org, and flashback to a conversation I had with Mama Dazz.

Photos of Community Gardening, 2009

I have a taste for the simple and the holistic, and that shows through the meals I make. Stews, one-pot wonders, and bowlfuls of everything-but-the-kitchen sink are my area of expertise. I yearn for comfort, for days of leftovers, and for food sources that don’t drain your bank account. These are the recipes that I enjoy sharing, and they are the ones I am the most proud of.

But I want to take it a step further, to show people the significant difference food from the backyard garden can make in a recipe, and to learn how to be a leader in the movement toward sustainable development in the community. I want to document all of the wonderful contributions being made by the unsung heroes of the movement, and I want to be part of it, either as a volunteer, a post-graduate intern, or having a decision-making position in the cause.

Mushroom picking in Sweden, 2010

I’m tired of waiting around for the world to give me heading; it’s time I got my hands in the soil and did something to change the way people look at food. I have to be the change I wish to see in the world, and it's time I prove it.

As mentioned before, I have a penchant for bubbling stews and soups on the stove, filling the house with enticing aromas and warmth only a well-used kitchen provides. There is one soup that I am always in the mood for, and I needed to work with what I had.

Onion soup is an amazing kind of recipe. I searched for different kinds of onion soup, but the French version is the most popular, if not the only one out there. It has everything one could ever ask for in the attempt to using up whatever is lying around: onions, leftover beef stock, stale bread, and cheese you haven’t used up yet. It is a stick-to-your-ribs kind of soup, rich and dense, with essentially all of the main food groups provided. So to no offense of the French, since I have the privilege of knowing quite a few amazing people from the country, I made my own kind of onion soup, something lighter and with a homemade chicken stock base. What’s so marvelous about this recipe is that you essentially have two meals: the onion soup and the chicken and veggies for another day. (You can also place the meats and veggies from the stock at the bottom for additional nutrition.) I made skillet cornbread, modifying the ingredients but otherwise made the same way as I usually do.

Onion Soup in a Homemade Chicken Broth

For the Homemade Chicken Broth:
2 qt. Water
30 ml Unrefined apple cider vinegar
450 g Chicken thigh meat*
6 Garlic cloves, whole
85 g Leeks, coarsely sliced
4 (156 g) Carrots, whole
2 (76 g) Celery hearts (preferably the innermost hearts**), whole

Combine all of the ingredients in a pressure cooker or large pot on medium-high heat until the meat and vegetables have softened (to the point of falling apart) and the liquid has colored slightly.
Remove the chicken and vegetables and set the broth aside.

For the Onion Soup:
Homemade chicken broth, recipe above
1 Bay leaf
2 tsp. Sea salt
1 tsp. Cracked pepper
30 ml Coconut oil
3 White onions, halved and thinly sliced horizontally
3 Red onions, halved and thinly sliced horizontally

Gouda cheese, finely grated as garnish

In a large flat-bottomed skillet pan or pot on medium-low heat, melt the coconut oil and cook the onions until translucent and caramelized (be careful not to burn).
Transfer the onions to the broth and add the remaining ingredients, cooking on medium heat for thirty minutes to and hour (I let it simmer while preparing the cornbread).
Pour the soup in up to six bowls, garnish with the desire amount of Gouda cheese, and serve hot with a side of cornbread***.

Yields 6 servings.

*This is what I had on hand, but you are welcome to use whatever parts of the chicken (or any meat) are accessible to you.
**You can use whichever part of the celery, but the innermost heart stalks are the ones I noticed people don’t eat raw, and thus perfect to use in soups.

***Goat milk Cornbread

240 g Masa flour
1 tsp. Baking soda
1/2 tsp. Sea salt
240 ml Water
240 ml Goat milk
2 Large eggs
42 g (3 tbsp.) butter
50 g Unsweetened applesauce

For instructions, click here.

Makes 1 batch and 8 servings.

Change, Growth, and Skillet Cornbread

It seems like the transformation occurred overnight. Along with my feeling better from that two-week flu, I’ve seen a complete change in my perspective. I feel like a new person, a new Morri who is taking life into her own hands, and daring to fly. 

Change has always been a scary thing for me, and for a while I avoided any form of it that would bring positive growth simply because I was afraid to fail. I was living quietly, for I didn’t wish to cause ripples, and I didn’t wish to disappoint. I felt I was and was not living to others expectations at the same time, and I suffered as a result. I was waking up at 4:30 a.m. on five to six hours of sleep, restless and tired of the constant chatter in my head. I had no desire to blog or go out with people, even though I have had plenty of time to do both, and became absorbed with Sherlock Holmes. There was a loss of connection with the world around me, stagnation in my relationships with the people who mattered most, and insecure with how I fit into it all.

After my various heart-to-hearts with the boyfriend, Mama Dazz, and myself intrapersonally, I realize I have been doing an injustice to myself. At one point this weekend, I remember the chatter being particularly critical and unpleasant, and in the darkness of my bedroom I realized just how unproductive it really was. Instead of griping about things I could indeed fix, that energy could be used to do something about it. It was my first of many “Well, duh!” moments these past few days, but it altered a lot of my thinking in the right direction. 

And yet here I was, treating my own self as the enemy, as someone who couldn’t be trusted. If I wouldn’t dream of treating others like that, being overly critical and judgmental with how they live their lives, why the hell am I doing it… to myself?  This question lifted my post-graduation funk, just as the New Year shows itself to be an enlightening one.

 

My other enlightenment takes the form of a new philosophy: when there is something to do, do something; when there is nothing to do, do nothing. I’ve found that the reason behind a person’s boredom and restlessness is that you’re doing nothing when you should be doing something. Mental exhaustion and physical strain, on the other hand, is the result of doing something other than doing nothing. When it comes time to doing nothing, you shouldn’t be thinking of the things you would have to do later. Doing nothing can be anything that relaxes you or brings you peace, so as long as you don’t tire yourself out with them. I dare you to try it out, because you will never be bored and/or exhausted again. Better yet, you will feel like an entirely new person.

This new attitude has given me a new confidence, a new fitness regimen, and I am actually getting things done. My room is getting cleaner by the day, and the house is setting itself back into order. I ran this morning, all bundled up in an early January rain, and I feel so free of all the static and prattle that once plagued me. I’m still getting up earlier than I would prefer at 5:45 a.m., but I’m sleeping an hour more than I had been recently. Much of it has to do with a firmer pillow, but I like to think it has more to do with my new outlook on life than anything.

So, even though I’m working two jobs part-time, and I do have obligations to uphold, I’m not going to live a life of mediocrity anymore or settle for good enough. If I’m going to work and exercise and blog, I’m going to do the best I can. And if I’m going to rest and meditate and love, I’m going to give the time doing nothing deserves. Above all else, the fear of failure and success shows itself in many forms, from cooking to expectations to how high you aim to go.

To quote two people who've inspired me for many years:

 “It is sometimes a mistake to climb; it is always a mistake never even to make the attempt. If you do not climb, you will not fall. This is true. But is it that bad to fail, that hard to fall?” (N. Gaiman, from The Sandman: Fables and Reflections)

“You must be the change you want to see in the world.” (M. Gandhi)

You may be asking, what does this have anything to do with cooking or health? Well, it has everything to do with it. If you only stick to the things you know how to cook and are good at making, you will never learn but you will never fail either. As for change, I’ve learned to treat my body (and thus, life in general) as one big experiment. The food you eat and the life you live is forever changing. It is a push and pull movement, a dance that never ends, sometimes obvious and sometimes not.

I have every intention of succeeding, no matter how it may be defined and no matter how scary it is. It took numerous times of failing to getting cornbread right, but that didn’t keep me from trying.

If I can make a perfect cornbread recipe, I can do anything.

Cornbread is one of those foods that can be finicky at the best of times. The cornbread I remember as kid was out of a box, a Jiffy box if I’m not mistaken. For some reason, my homemade recipes were grainy, dry, and not too appetizing. I tried using various flours with different grain sizes of cornmeal. I tried incorporating applesauce, using milk in place for water, and different kinds of fats. As the Southern states have made cornbread without any other flours for years and years, I was at a loss as to what I was doing wrong. My goal was a dense Southern cornbread in comparison to the cakelike Northern counterpart, with a good crust which only came from a hot skillet, and a final product that held up to stews and sauces.

Masa harina was the answer.

I was successful in making the recipe the two times I made it, the first with buttermilk and the second with lassi (drinking yogurt), though I am sure regular milk will work here also. The recipe I am posting is from the second batch, since the former was accidentally erased (note to self: always write a recipe down on paper). Both were moist and dense, the perfect basic skillet cornbread. I do intend on playing around with additional ingredients and flours, but this is just delicious as is with a slab of butter and a drizzle of honey on top.

For future reference, dear readers, all recipes will be measured in grams from now on in the name of precision, though teaspoons and tablespoons will be listed as they always have been. 

Basic Skillet Cornbread

240 g Masa harina (also called maseca)
2 1/2 tsp. Baking powder
1/2 – 3/4 tsp. Sea salt (if using lassi, put in less salt)
240 ml Water
240 ml Lassi (or buttermilk)
2 Eggs
1 tbsp. (21 g) Honey (15 g was in the first batch)
3 tbsp. Butter

Preheat the oven to 425ºF, and place an 8 – 10” iron skillet in the middle.
Combine the masa harina, baking powder, and salt in a large mixing bowl and mix thoroughly.
In a separate bowl, beat the eggs in with the liquids (including the honey but not the butter), and then pour it onto the dry ingredients.
Blend with a wooden spoon until a wet dough forms (the baking powder will make it rise and give it an airy texture), and let it sit for a few minutes.
Take the skillet out of the preheated oven and melt the butter to coat the bottom and edges of the pan.
Drizzle the remaining butter into the dough to combine, and then pour the dough into the skillet (to evenly distribute the dough and smooth the top, use a medium-sized silicone spatula).
Lightly cover the top of the pan with aluminum foil and bake for 45 minutes.
After 45 minutes, remove the foil and bake for an additional 15 minutes.
Take out of the oven and let it sit for a few minutes, though it’s recommended to be served warm.
Serve with butter and honey, or as an island in the middle of a huge bowl of chili or stew.

Makes 8 servings.