Returning from Summer Break Mode

It’s funny. You would think that, following summer school and not working since the beginning of July, I’d be posting recipe after recipe after recipe. Funny, truly, because I was suddenly thrown a curveball of free time and I had no idea what I was going to do about it. Free time was something of an unknown thing to me, something I haven’t experienced in quite a while and, apparently, desperately needed.

I traveled a lot in July and August. I went on so many adventures and did so many things. What I didn’t do, however, was write down recipes or photograph finished plates. It was time well spent and it wasn’t recorded.

So here. The weekend before my last fall semester of grad school and I try to fill in the blanks of over a month of silence. I have new things to share and new recipes to try. Secret projects are still being worked on under the Meals with Morri banner, and secret they shall remain until they are completed. There is love and there is grief to express. There is perspective and there is uncertainty in the months (and possibly years) to come.

One thing is certain, dear readers, and it’s that Meals with Morri is changing. It was always intended to be an outlet, a way of sharing my ideas, art, triumphs, and stories. On the other hand, I have always been hesitant to share my beliefs about where food comes from and ethical sustainability, about global nutrition and the human condition. Meals with Morri will be home to these ideas as well, which have nothing to do with recipes and everything to do with society and politics.

This summer was a true break, one where for the first time I removed the world from my shoulders. Stress is a sickness that can destroy you if you let it, and for once I am sleeping. For once I’m not everything for everyone, and it is a glorious feeling. 

I write this as a way of stating that yes, I am alive (wonderfully so) and that I am evolving (as is Meals with Morri), that I am here and that I’m not going away.

September is the start of something new for this site. Be prepared for the shift.

Taking Charge of Anxiety and Stress

I admit that, when I last wrote, I was still knee deep in fight-or-flight mode. My sentences were run-ons and manically distributed. The words I used were emotionally driven and hectic. My stories were jumbled together and I had just started the process of coming down to Earth from a lifetime of stress and anxiety. A chill pill would have worked wonders during those two weeks of uncertainty, followed by a hot cup of herbal tea and warm milk.

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Whenever I talk about taking medication - in this case I mean the antibiotic and the antispasmodic - I worry about perceiving myself as a hypocrite. After all, I often write how I am all for using natural means for healing. Be it with the food/supplements I eat, the thoughts I think, and the actions I do, I exhaust every option I can think of before even considering the idea of taking a pharmaceutical drug. Getting an artificially dyed pill from a doctor in a lab coat is a last resort thing for me. And I was definitely in the “last resort” category not too long ago.

So I took the medicine and I am gradually healing from the inside out. I am feeling better than I have in years, and I celebrate the changes: I can discern hunger, and I’m not as hungry as I once was; my activity level has skyrocketed while my fatigue has decreased; my mood is level and I’m not overexerting the good mood image (I am simply in a good mood); my skin is clearing up and my organs are starting to function properly; I'm sleeping (a big factor in all this); and I do not feel rushed or overwhelmed.

“The truth is somewhere in the middle.”  When I said this, I originally meant this as a way to balance the various practices and professionals I’ve gone to for healing purposes. This statement is also true for the concept of healing in general, and this post is dedicated to how I'm working on making this happen.

Along with the prescribed medicine I’ll be taking temporarily, I wanted to find ways of healing that I would feel empowered doing in the long run. I considered the gastroenterologist’s diagnosis of ASD, and how once upon a time another gastroenterologist tried curing my supposed “depression” with an antidepressant. I didn’t want to take a pill that altered my brain chemistry and played ping-pong with my emotions. I wanted to learn how to bring myself back to a peaceful baseline and essentially change how I handled stress in a positive and loving way.

(Note: What I’m about to share is in no way a formal treatment to ASD, IBS, or any other health concerns you may have. These statements are personal opinions and things I’ve tried that are working for me. Please consider this as you read on.)

I had received wonderful suggestions when I’d asked for advice last time. Emails, social media comments, and words face-to-face offered support and food essentials for tummy troubles and antibiotics. Oddly enough, no one really touched on the ASD aspect, and I think I know why.

We are part of a global paradigm where stress means productivity. At least in my interpretation of Western culture, we have to be “on” all the time to feel like we’re doing something meaningful with our lives. In many cases, and this resonates with me also, we have been in “fight or flight” mode for so long we don’t even remember what being at peace is. We become bored with inaction, and worried that we are stagnating progression. We lose our self-awareness with constant pressure from our inner dialogue, perceived expectations, over-stimulation, and over-scheduling.

Stress and anxiety are normalized internally. When we experience the adrenaline rush and adrenal fatigue over a significant period of time, our body gets used to the highs and lows of both, and our baseline adapts to being at the height of Mount Everest rather than sea level. A bit extreme, I know, but I want you to understand how crucial it is to nip chronic stress and anxiety in the bud and how small changes can leave a big impact on your health.

The first steps I started working with were self-awareness and acceptance. I asked myself questions like: How are you feeling? What are you feeling and what caused that feeling to occur? Is your mind racing and heart pounding when you’re trying to sleep/meditate/calm down? What external factors are affecting you internally, for good or ill? Acceptance is a hard thing indeed, for we are our toughest critics. Thoughts like “What do I have to be stressed about?” and “Come on, Dummy, this isn't hard!  Why can’t I do this?” can plague the chronically stressed and anxious. When we are in this state, it is extremely hard to see the big picture because we are so hyper-focused on the mini crises all the time.   

I learned that by being in a constant state of distress, I was hungry all the time. When I was stressed and anxious, I snacked on nut butters, rice crackers, and smoothies. Add that to my tummy troubles and my habit of not getting enough sleep, I was too fatigued and in too much pain to be active in my daily life. I used the medication prescribed to me as a tool to remove my body woes from the equation to turn my focus then on what was going on upstairs behind my pretty face.

The second step for me was analyzing the life I live with love and compassion. What are the things most important to me? What can I place on a shelf to work on later? What do I keep? What do I let go or change? These questions led me to the journey of finding an inner calm and adjusting the structures of my life to suit me.

There are certain ways to calm yourself, and you do not have to do it alone or by your own design to get positive results. To increase my own ability at achieving a steady baseline, I looked to meditation. I was advised to do fifteen minutes a day, but my mind tends to wander and think of all the things I need to/have to/should be doing. So I became even more frustrated when I was unable to return to mindfulness and stressed by those precious minutes wasted on trying.

The answer for me was guided meditation, and there are many sources out there varying in length, type, and technique.

“But I don’t have time to meditate and sit still”, you say. “I have all these obligations to do…”

Stop. right. there. When you are in this mindset, of course you won’t have time. And my answer to that can be shown in this image:

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As I said, guided meditation is helpful for me because I can focus on a voice and the instructions I am being given. For 10 – 20 minutes (or more), all that matters is my breathing, resetting my brain, and reveling in the possibility in how it will affect my day for the better. I find doing it in it the morning (though not necessarily right when I wake up) and/or before bed good times for me, but choose times that work for your schedule.

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This leads to another crucial aspect in lowering stress and anxiety for me: routine. Now, I’m not talking about being a “slave to routine” as the comic above implies. I’m talking about having something your body can work with, a way to regulate and manage yourself and what matters most to you. Since graduation (and quite possibly before that), I was flying from one thing to the next – blind and awkward in between – doing everything I could to stay upright. Instead of planning by the hour for everything I do (as I tried to and bombed at), I’ve laid out my weekdays in morning, afternoon, and evening time-slots. I have days where I am climbing or doing other forms of exercise and completing a certain chore/task for the house. I have definitive times when I’m working or at school. I have days dedicated to studying, and an evening or two dedicated to whatever it is I may treat myself to. From doing it this way, I found that I not only have more time than I thought; I also have focus and energy without becoming overwhelmed. Work and play are becoming wonderfully balanced.

The final reflection I’d like to share is to not sacrifice taking care of yourself in order to “get things done”. I admit there are still days in the week I perceive I have a lot to do and the consequence is getting less sleep/relaxation than I’d like. For example: On Tuesdays my class gets out at 10:00 p.m., and then I am up at 5:00 Wednesday morning to climb. I know that I’ll get less than seven hours of sleep in between, so it’s just a matter of adjusting certain variables to ensure I’m doing all I can to not return to that unhealthy cycle. Be honest with yourself and others when everything in your being is telling you to chill out. And when stress and panic arises, don’t beat yourself up about it; instead, take pride knowing you realized what’s going on and take as long as you need to bring yourself out of survival mode. 

Learning from Kids and their Art

When you work with kids, you start seeing things in a brand new perspective. You start seeing how amazing the world is, how fascinating the creative mind works, and just how brilliant sentience can be. The kids I work with range from going into kindergarten all the way to entering middle school, and all of the artwork they’ve created thus far is simply too beautiful for words. 

In the working environment I find myself in this summer, with its amazing staff and equally amazing kids, I come home so energized and inspired to make the next day even more spectacular. They’re bringing out the best in me as I hope I do the same in leaving a positive mark in their lives.

As I work with these kids, it is phenomenal how effortless being yourself actually is. They keep me on my toes, sure, because each child needs something different from me, but I strive for that sort of life. Whether it’s how I teach, what art project I have them do for the day, or working with what kind of day they’re having, I feel limitless in my abilities to be that person for them.

If it is one thing I’ve learned so far, it’s this: if there are no mistakes in a child’s artwork, then there are no mistakes in my own growth and progression. Why should my inner critic talk so loudly over something that can only get better over time? If I find children’s art so amazing – with their perceptions of reality shown in shaky albeit heavy marker lines, large words and figures out of proportion – and their imagination so incredibly infinite in their tiny finite bodies, then I should realize how far I’ve come and far I’m going.

To celebrate my first forty-hour workweek in my life, I made a cake. It’s a sticky, moist, apple cake that tastes amazing warm from the oven to sitting in the fridge for a few days. It isn’t too sweet, but life is sweet while you eat it.

“While we try to teach our children all about life,
Our children teach us what life is all about.”
~ Angela Schwindt 

Sticky Apple Cake

240 ml Sparkling water
2 Large eggs, yolks and whites separated
60 g Unsweetened applesauce
42 g Honey
1 Apple (I used a Pink Lady, but whatever you have is fine), grated
1/2 tsp. Bourbon vanilla extract
120 g Buckwheat flour
90 g Mesquite flour
30 g Blanched almond flour
1 tsp. Baking soda
1 tsp. Sea salt
1 tsp. Cinnamon
1 tsp. Ground ginger
1/2 tsp. Nutmeg
80 g Apple butter
Walnuts, optional

Preheat the oven to 350ºF.
In a medium-sized bowl, blend together the sparkling water, egg yolks, applesauce, honey, grated apple, and vanilla, and set aside.
In another bowl, mix the flours, spices, and leavening agent thoroughly before integrating the wet ingredients with the dry.
With a hand blender or a whisk, form the egg whites into stiff peaks and gently fold them in with the batter.
Pour the mixture into a greased (I used coconut oil to keep it dairy-free) 9-inch pie pan.
Using a small silicon spatula, place the apple butter on the top and form a swirl indentation to create a marbled appearance.
Bake for 45 minutes or until the center is thoroughly cooked through.
Remove from the oven and let it cool for fifteen minutes on the counter before cutting into the cake and serving.
Smear your choice of nut butter, creamed cheese, or whipped cream, and serve warm or chilled with coffee, ice cream, or whatever you’re in the mood for.

Makes 1 cake, or 8 servings.

Aha! Moments & Recipes by the Book

I don’t know where my mind has been, but I have my theories. Rumor has it she has left the confines of my skull in pursuit of better things, such as running off with a Latin Love God, working at a local café, and making it as an actress in b-rated horror flicks. Without her, I’ve made rookie mistakes, mathematical mistakes concerning recipe calculations or forgetting to acknowledge where acknowledgement is due (Like Erin of The Sensitive Epicure for example, the lovely hostess of this month’s Gluten Free Rally for pâté a choux). I know my two wrongs don’t make a right, but I’ve fixed where I could without my mind in her proper place.

That’s the beauty of being alive, though. We don’t always have a “do over” button or a way of making our mistakes magically disappear like the backspace button on our keyboard when we misspell a word. We do, however, have the ability to correct our errors in the present, as well as the difficult choice in deciding whether to fix them or leave them be. Even if my mind has wandered off to goodness knows where, probably Scandinavia of all places, I turned the wrongs into rights.

But it doesn’t stop there.

It was well past midnight when I found myself unable to settle down. In the darkness I stared out into the dark terrain of my bedroom, filled to the brim with boxes. There were mountains of clean and dirty laundry, boxes of memories that weren’t even mine, even going so far as things yet to unpacked from my semester abroad in Sweden. Within a year, to which I am including my anticipated move to the house I’m renting with friends this August, I’ll have packed and unpacked my life nine times. You heard me right, people. Nine. Times. No wonder my mind ran off without me.

It was time to unpack. It was time to declutter. It was time to get my mind back.

There was a severe imbalance towards my path of Being. I pretty much had the health thing down. I was physically aware with what my body was telling me, at least where eating and exercising was concerned. I started to find things I enjoyed doing to keep my mind focused and busy. But still, something was missing. Something wasn’t right.

There was too much clutter physically manifesting itself in my space, that peaceful haven from the boisterous world that awaited me outside. Where there should have been feng shui, there was congestion, and it was affecting me on a spiritual and emotional level. Where there should have been stillness and quiet, there was chatter filled with incessant rambling concerning life paths I didn’t want to take. With all that clutter I had lost a sense of stability and Self that I felt only other people ultimately knew what was best for me.

 Funny. That all seems to change when you start to throw things away, when you finally unpack last year’s adventure. It turns out your mind was there the entire time, but its voice is significantly louder than it used to be, certainly louder than the fading prattle that used to torment you before.

On a completely different tangent, this could explain why I don’t do recipes by the book. I prefer to treat them like guidelines, friendly suggestions more than anything, and tend to add what I think it’s lacking or omit what I think it doesn’t need. Sure, I’ll keep to the same or similar preparations and I’ll give credit to the origins of the recipe, but cooking is an evolutionary process. What works for others may not work for me and vice versa, so adapting to your needs is not only essential but also a great way to experiment with an already delicious concept.

Except for modifying one thing (okay… maybe two, to make it gluten and refined sugar free), I made a recipe exactly as it was written, and I learned a lot from doing so. I learned that it’s okay to do a recipe differently where you see fit, and that doing something just as it was written or said or done may or may not work for you. I learned that having guidelines made by other people are nice to have when you are looking for perspective or a starting point, but not so much to live by right down to the letter.

You’ve made it this far, right? Go on. Give yourself some credit and listen to yourself for a change. You deserve it.