National Eating Disorders Awareness Week: My Journey

A few years ago my cousin introduced me to Post Secret, a movement created by a very compassionate individual by the name of Frank Warren who created an outlet for people to anonymously mail secrets to him. The secrets can be funny, ridiculous, serious, sad, and anything in between. Every Sunday, he posts new secrets that millions of people read. Every Sunday, I am one of those millions of people that do. It’s a way, I think, for people to feel connected with others around the world. Sharing these secrets is a way to let go as well as bringing people together. It’s a relief know that there are others who are going through similar things or thinking the same thoughts.

Last Sunday’s secrets really hit home for me. They revolved around eating disorders. Here are a few examples:

(Probably the one that was the most personal and relevant for me.)

National Eating Disorders Awareness Week brings into light a very personal matter for a lot of people. It doesn’t just affect a certain weight, gender, age, or nationality. It affects a wide ranged of people for different reasons. It mostly is about a sense of control or the desire of being this ideal image or weight, but those aren't the only reasons.

I remember becoming extremely offended when this fight of what ‘real women’ look like started. Suddenly, naturally slender women were subjected to scorn in the media. I have friends of various height and weight combinations, and they are all exceptionally beautiful people. They have shown me that there is no one-size-fits-all aspect of beauty.

One of the things CK told me (and that I love him for) is that there is no such thing as the fairytale relationship. And so, this past weekend, he asked me a very hard question: “So then, why do you demand for the fairytale body?” This applied not only to my appearance, but also my health. It was one of those questions that not only broke down everything I tried to ignore, but once I let it out I couldn’t stop.

I don't refer to having had disordered eating as an eating disorder  because I believe the term 'eating disorder' places blame on the person suffering. Disordered eating is also more inclusive and, in my opinion, something you can rise from and have the power to change. Disordered eating has traveled with me like a codependent ally, needing me to need to control what I ate, when I ate, and how much. When I went to college, I lost a lot of weight. In total, my weight loss journey resulted in over 40 pounds. Most of it was due to changing my eating habits and preferring healthier options and exercising more. But when I became ‘thin’, I was deathly afraid of gaining it back. I’ve had panic attacks in the past because it was so terrifying to me to go back to that time when my body was a prison to the wonderful person underneath.

*Photos are from 1990 - 2012.

The evolution of my disordered eating habits became more about earning and deserving food than not eating. To be fair, I didn’t decide one day to be anorexic my sophomore year in high school. I just felt I didn’t have time to eat in the mornings and simply wasn’t hungry for lunch (and believe me, the food options in the cafeteria were not appetizing). So I would go almost twenty hours without eating, snack when I got home and then eat dinner. I drank hot tea in the mornings with lemon and sugar, but that was it. By the end of the first quarter, I was under 140 pounds, a first since I started puberty.

And then I got sick and began vomiting blood. The trip to the ER showed stomach ulcers from drinking tea (which is extremely acidic) on an empty stomach, and put a slight hole in my esophagus. I called this experience the time I was “accidentally anorexic”.

By college, I went gluten free (soy free and cane sugar free came about a year or two after). I started eating healthier and exercising and was rather happy with where I was at body image-wise. I changed my appearance often, even cutting my hair in a pixie cut. My exercising, however, became something I had to do and a way to cut calories. I would do the math and think: “Okay… I’ve burned a certain number of calories, enough to have burned off breakfast, and maybe that smoothie I want to have later.” (This is also known as exercise bulimia and a very common form of disordered eating.) I looked at my body more critically, wondering why I wasn’t getting the body I wanted. At one point I tried to survive on 1200 calories a day. I guesstimated my intake, so I’m sure I ate more than that. But it still stands that, while I was active and walking to class, I wasn’t eating enough. I think I even blacked out while driving at one point on my way back to campus housing for lunch.

When I started this blog, the first post began with me being hungry really early in the morning. The echoes of healing are apparent in many posts and recipes I’ve published in the last three years. Seeing a holistic nutritionist (Cheryl Harris of Harris Whole Health and Gluten Free Goodness) probably saved my life. She encouraged me to take small steps, read Johnston’s (2000) Eating in the Light of the Moon: How Women Can Transform Their Relationship with Food Through Myths, Metaphors, and Storytelling, and I slowly changed how I perceived eating and food. My self worth and image built itself up and, in increments, stopped focusing on calories and focused more on what my body needed and when.

Being diagnosed with hypothyroidism in 2011 also changed by body image and eating habits, and it really helped in knowing my struggles with weight weren’t entirely my fault. Yes, I could have eaten healthier and exercised more, but growing up with an underactive thyroid literally makes you the underdog. Not only does your metabolism suffer, everything does. How could I be healthy when I was sick all the time? How could I get better if it was my body that wasn’t working?

Since receiving treatment, I’ve noticed my body doesn’t get sick as often or as easily. And the slow change of feeling like I have to exercise to wanting to exercise as well as removing ‘good’ and ‘bad’  as labels for food (also called orthorexia, or a fixation of only eating what the person believes is healthy or ‘good’ food) really helped transform my mindset toward loving my body. I still have old paradigms rear their ugly heads when I’m stressed or feeling vulnerable, but I know where I am right now is a pretty awesome place to be.

The last thing that really changed everything for me was doing the Insanity Challenge. I went from 125 lbs to 142 lbs, eating up to 2500 calories to maintain efficiency. I started learning how to take cues from my body, and was absolutely fascinated how I became more solid, but didn’t get bigger. In horror, I realized just how much I denied my poor body nutrients in the name of fairytale beauty. I knew in theory that not eating enough will actually keep you from losing weight because your body is trying to keep you alive. But after completing the Insanity Workout, it finally resonated.

Even today, while I have moments (and they are fleeting, I’m happy to say) where I think I’m not pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, whatever enough, I have a fantastic support system and I am dulling the words of that harsh Inner Critic we are all capable of having. I cook and eat because food nourishes my body and my soul. I exercise to see how my strength has improved physically and mentally. I have learned to treat myself with compassion and empathy, and am learning what situations open the door for negative thoughts (usually sleep deprivation, sickness, or getting stuck inside my own head for too long).

The one thing I really hope the world comes to realize is that people who suffer disordered eating do not do it for attention, and telling them about how there are people without food in other parts of the world do not help. And while it helps to receive reassurance (because I admit to needing reassurance from time to time), the only thing that will change their outlook on themselves and the need of control is their desire to change it. It may mean getting professional help (as I had), changing the environment that encourages this disorder, and taking as well as celebrating the little steps. And while I believe it is most certainly acceptable to change yourself to feel better health-wise, I have learned that seeking perfection is impossible, mostly because there is no such thing as the perfect person. It's okay to be any weight that makes you feel comfortable, so as long as you don't risk your health or happiness to get there. It's also okay to have a 'type', but just remember that the other types out there are equally awesome.

It also means looking at body shaming as it is: a form of violence and bullying. We need to stop focusing on beauty as a surface phenomenon and looking to create the word to mean something that is all-inclusive. Let's stop comparing ourselves to one another and looking for acceptance based on what the scale says or what the media tells us. We need to stop diminishing someone's worth based on their appearance, and STOP STOP STOP saying someone isn't beautiful in order to make someone else feel that they are. It is NOT okay. And the first step to achieving this is inward.

I am so grateful to my family, friends, and partner for changing my life. And thank you all who were so brave as to sharing their stories, with me personally, and on Post Secret. And for those who are still suffering, are recovering, and everywhere in between, I want to say this to you:

• You are beautiful in the present. At this very moment, you are the perfect you and you are on the path you need to take.
• You are the ideal you.
• You matter.
• You are loved, honored, and appreciated for being yourself.
• No one’s opinions of what you should look like or be like is important. The only thing that matters is how you feel.
• It does get better. I promise you.

I made this recipe as a way to honor those struggles, and to reach out to others. Following this recipe are some stories about disordered eating and body image. I cannot express to you how much I appreciated the bravery of these individuals to share their story. It will be updated throughout the week, but feel free to leave a comment also.

Mashed Potato Biscuit Hearts

420 g mashed potatoes*
75 g Garbanzo bean flour
100 g ground almonds (i.e., blanched almond flour)
65 g Brown rice flour
60 g Flaxseed meal
120 ml Whole milk
1 Large egg
1 tsp. Sea salt
3/4 tsp. Baking soda
3/4 tsp. Cream of Tartar

Preheat the oven to 375°F/190°C.
Mix together the wet ingredients (potatoes, milk, and egg) in a large bowl and add the dry (the dough will be a bit tacky).
Let the dough sit for five minutes.
On a floured surface, take a handful of dough** and flatten it to about an inch thick.
Using a heart-shaped cookie cutter (or any for that matter), press through the dough and place the cutouts onto a greased baking sheet (or parchment paper).
Continue to do so until all the dough has been formed, and bake for 30 minutes or until golden brown.
Remove from the oven and let them cool for about 10 minutes before eating.
Can be served hot or cold.

Makes 11 or more biscuits, depending on cutout size.

* I used the potato ricer to make the mashed potatoes and didn't add anything to them.

** I found it easier to take a handful of dough at a time than to just roll it out and cut.

Other's Stories (Coming Soon)

Story 1: The Legacy
The Influence of family: My first negative body image messages came from my own mother when I entered puberty. She made me self conscious about my weight gain. (Replaying the messages from her own mother about her struggles with weight gain. To lose weight that she gained during her own puberty, she ate only mayonnaise sandwiches for an entire summer. She did some severe dieting after each of her children to lose the baby weight, which affected her mood and energy levels.) I also remember my father making comments that 125 lbs was an ideal weight (for my mom) so that was a weight goal I strived to attain. No matter that I was actually 3 inches taller and actually looked ghastly at 125 lbs. As a result, I went through puberty and early adolescence (in the 1970’s)  “knowing” that I was “fat” and unattractive. As a result, I became anorexic in my mid-teens, something that was acerbated by a bout of mononucleosis.

The influence of media and product advertisements: Dress size, body weight, body image, attractiveness and perceived sexual desirability have always been interconnected. No matter that I actually felt my best when I weighed a certain amount. In order to fit into certain styles of clothing, I had to be a certain size. In order to accentuate my eyes and my cheekbones I needed to have a certain contour to my face (achieved only by dieting). The mirror: It lies. What I see is not what others see. As a result I have to use a tape measure; it doesn’t lie.

My regrets: I hate how I look. I have always hated how I look. Once in a while, when some time has passed and I see a picture of myself, I think, “Wow! I look really great in that picture.” But, if I think back to when the picture was taken and how I felt about my looks, I would say that I felt ugly or at least not attractive.

Legacy: I have watched helplessly as my own daughter has struggled with this amorphous monster, wondering what I could have done that I didn’t do; how I could have better protected her from the jaws of this gaping beast. I tried to offer unconditional love and support as she has struggled. I tried to keep my own self criticism and self esteem issues to myself. I tried to make every effort to not taint her with the family legacy of toxic messaging. I have tried to be her best cheer leader. But, as evidenced by her very public struggles with disordered eating, love isn’t enough. This dis-ease is insidious. It’s in our wiring, it’s in our cells…

Honesty

Honesty. Let us reflect upon the word together and discuss its meaning. The word is often overlooked or taken for granted as a virtue, because the truth can be a hard thing to face. But as they say, the truth will set you free, and I hope my being honest does the same.

Writing about hypothyroidism has been a fun learning experience, including the feedback I’ve received from people telling me their stories. I’ve written about my frustrations and my experimenting with food lifestyles and thyroid medicine doses. I did a little research on what foods may affect the thyroid in a negative way, and started looking into what forms of exercise can be beneficial to those with thyroid disease. But there was a symptom of hypothyroidism I kept close to my heart, something that I felt was slowly ruining my life and all I held dear.

Three little words, my dear readers: sleep maintenance insomnia (SMI).

A good cat nap is apparently hard to come by.

This post was originally going to portray a "Why me?!" diary entry, filled with ranting, less than positive language, and feeling sorry for myself. But after two days of fully slept nights, with the exception of getting up to use the bathroom and drink a glass of water by my bed, I hold my head high and wish to tell you this story honestly and completely.

There’s that word again. Honest.

 Now, I have told people of my less than awesome sleeping habits, about how not days, not weeks, but months passed by with my SMI waking me up between 2:30 and 4:00 most mornings on less than five hours of REM sleep.  I woke up starving, so I would fill my clawing hunger with an early breakfast and attempt to go back to sleep. But the damage was already done. Over six months of this terrible secret of mine kept me from being social after hours and rekindling my orthorexic tendencies and anorexic habits. I was so terrified that I was gaining weight I upped my workout habits to such a degree that it made matters worse.

Thus the vicious cycle repeated itself, day after day and night after night: lack of sleep leads to eating more leads to working out. I looked myself in the mirror and saw distortion. I found myself bringing out my worst inner critic, the one that screamed “Not Good Enough” and “How are you not losing weight? You must be doing it wrong.” I tried, dear readers, I really did. I did eat. I did exercise. And I did try certain remedies for a complete REM cycle: yoga, hot baths, a light snack right before bed, no caffeine after three in the afternoon…  

Herbal tea? Been there... done that.

But every morning I looked out to see streetlights glaring against the pitch black night, and felt my stomach growl like a predator that demands an easy meal.

I became so obsessed with controlling things like when and what I ate, how many times I exercised per week and for how long, because I felt that my life was spiraling out of control. No matter how busy I was or how many posts I published on Meals with Morri, my fatigue pushed me to work harder, to see more people, and to exercise more often.

And I could see the looks of disappointment in my friends’ faces when I couldn’t stay out long or not go out at all. It broke my heart that my lack of sleep only gave me certain hours of the day open to see people, and that was filled with exercise, work, and blogging. I could feel the concern and the confusion when I didn’t accept how they saw me: busy, in shape, and helping others. Finally, on Tuesday, it all came crashing down.

I was on my parents’ bed, my body heaving with uncontrollable sobbing. I was so tired it hurt, my mind restless and always thinking despite its exhaustion. I was frustrated that my fitness regimen wasn’t doing what I thought it would be by the end of May (i.e., firm tummy, toned arms, happy Morri…), and I was beyond angry how I looked at myself.

I just wanted eight hours of continuous sleep each night. Is that so much to ask?

Mama Dazz, who also has hypothyroidism (but in the form of Hashimoto’s), consoled me the best she could. From what came of the conversation, all my problems were the cause of my insomnia. It is improbable, highly unlikely, and extremely difficult to lead a healthy lifestyle while suffering from insomnia. As one of the symptoms of hypothyroidism, it is a leading cause to weight gain (or in my case, my body was always “on”, so it couldn’t keep up with my lifestyle and held onto my "plush" for dear life). I had restricted myself and controlled everything in my life to such an extent that, when I couldn’t complete a basic state of being, I felt so broken.

So there I was, curled up in a ball, crying my eyes out that shook my entire body, feeling like I was crazy, stupid, and the most useless sentient being in the world. If my SMI had gone on for another month, it is highly likely I would have been hospitalized until I was considered “normal” again. Between a rock and a hard place, I chose another option, one I wasn’t thrilled about but I did it anyway out of desperation.

I took medicine to sleep.

In the name of my holistic beliefs and philosophies, taking medication was something I’d refused for months. At the time, I felt like I would be a complete hypocrite to take over-the-counter pharmaceuticals. I’m personally not a fan of antidepressants, and as such I do not take them. I don’t take diets pills for weight loss, and instead eat healthily to the best of my ability and exercise when I can. I felt like taking medicine to sleep was, well, cheating. And if I was a hypocritical cheater, what made me think I could run Meals with Morri with a clear conscience?  

Bangin' bread on little sleep.

At the moment, sleeping well for two nights in a row is quite an achievement, and my body is following suit. It’s starting to understand how exhausted it truly is, and what it means to slow down and turn “off”. I’m not pushing myself to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed to prove how happy I am. I’m calmer and quieter, with a “sparkle” in my voice that I was told has been missing for quite some time.

There are quite a few theories why SMI has reared its grumpy head: too low a dose of thyroid medicine, boredom, restlessness, etc. And because the medicine to help me sleep seems to be working, I’m going to continue taking it for a few weeks and see how it goes. Mama Dazz has also put curtains in my bedroom to keep it dark and cool, which has also helped enormously. I’ve started seeing progress in my eating and not being ravenous all the time. Oh, and my climbing seemed to improve overnight, so I’m rather happy with that in particular .

My sincerest hope is that I’ll continue sleeping, and that we can continue to share our stories honestly with each other. I end this post with an interesting read I found on sleep:

“People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.'

If you didn't know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you'd seen.

They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the 'mind adventures' got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren't unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.'

So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.”

(George Carlin, Brain Droppings)

Pleasant dreams, my dear readers. Here’s to finally sleeping in on a Saturday morning.

The Candida-Hypothyroid Relationship: Do I Have a Yeast Sensitivity?

When you or someone you love has hypothyroidism, it really is a trial and error sort of condition, and it can be a bit confusing/irritating (or, you know, a lot). You need to figure out what foods you should or shouldn’t eat. You need to understand the limitations of what your body can do in regards to exercise and find ways to work around it. You need to learn, over a period of time that can last for months or even years, the dosage of medication that helps the thyroid function normally. You need to understand what you’re body is telling you in the most subtle of things, such as how you are feeling, what you are experiencing, and why certain things affect you at that moment.

The positive side of having to be so perceptive to your body is the ability to detect patterns and sensitivities you have. One example is the reason I wake up so early in the mornings isn’t that I’m hungry; rather, I’m thirsty and overheated. I learned this lesson at 2:30 this morning and am fairly certain it will sort itself out if I have a huger glass of water next to my bed (and remain hydrated throughout the day). But I’m referring to something that has been consistent since I posted this recipe. That is, my reaction to yeast in food.

(source)

In my ignorance I mentioned after getting glutened the possibility of having a candida overgrowth, without the tests to back it up. However, I found this article written by Dr. Michael McNett about the correlation between candida and the thyroid. The bullet point that stuck out at me was the following:

There has been a higher incidence of candida sensitivity in Dr. McNett’s fibromyalgia/hypothyroid patients.

I’ve researched the symptoms of candida (yeast) sensitivity and overgrowth, and from what I found didn’t really apply to me. But in my personal experience with eating yeast (both in food and in drink), it was never very positive. When I bread the first time, I thought it was because of the length of fermentation that made me feel “intoxicated”, craving sugars and bread, bloated, constipated, terrible stomach cramps and bubbles, etc. Upon further yeast bread making attempts, however, it was the same thing. As with drinking wine or cider, it doesn’t take much for me to feel the affects (less than 60 ml is a typical glass for me… and I rarely drink). This could be because I exercise a lot or, the most likely, I’m not big on drinking. But from what I can see, there is a link between yeast sensitivity and hypothyroidism. The weirdest part is when I don't eat yeast-based foods like bread, I don't crave it at all. But when I do, I am compelled to eat slice after slice after slice.

I’m sure the GFRR can forgive me for removing yeast from the bread equation for this month's challenge, but I’m fairly convinced yeast and I have a like-dislike sort of relationship going on at the moment.

Does this mean I’m going to go on the Candida Diet? I’ve raised this question before, and I think the answer is the same. At the moment, until I feel compelled to get tested for candida overgrowth/sensitivity, I’m simply going to continue observing my reactions my body provides.

Articles on yeast sensitivity:

"Yeast Sensitivities" by Dr. Suzann Wang (2007), Green Health Spot (image also used)

"Estrogen Dominance and Hormone Imbalance" by yeastinfectionadvisor.com

"Gluten Intolerance vs. Candida Symptoms" by gfcf.com

Eating with the Thyroid in Mind: the Carbohydrate Discussion

I swear this thyroid-related post started on Thursday; it just took a few days to get it all together.

Besides goitrogenic foods to consider as part of the hypothyroid diet, I started looking into what people thought was the ideal diet for this condition, more specifically in the role of carbohydrates. 

(source)

If you are hypothyroid, you may notice the craving of carbohydrates over any other food group. According to Maura Banar’s (2011) article “Hypothyroidism & Carbohydrates”,

“This may be due in part to a decrease in the neurotransmitter serotonin, which is responsible for feelings of calm and pleasure. Since carbohydrates tend to raise serotonin levels, craving them is your body's way of trying to restore balance. Unfortunately, because your metabolism is also compromised with hypothyroidism, your body is also less adept at using the excess calories you eat in an attempt to satisfy your cravings. Left untreated or misdiagnosed, hypothyroidism can therefore lead to obesity and increased risks of diabetes and cardiovascular disease.”

So along with avoiding gluten/wheat, soy, millet, and raw goitrogenic foods, we have to avoid carbohydrates, right? Not necessarily. In some cases, whole cereal grains are considered essential to thyroid health, as Banar continues to say:

“Because hypothyroidism can lead to an increased risk of chronic and preventable illnesses, if you are experiencing symptoms, it is important to see your doctor. Once your condition is properly managed, you should have increased energy, which can help you implement a plan of regular physical activity to lose and manage your weight. Making significant changes to the foods you eat, including carbohydrates, can also help increase energy levels and decrease weight. Individuals with hypothyroidism should emphasize foods that contain antioxidants. These include fruits and vegetables, which are also rich sources of carbohydrates. Eating whole-grain versions of breads, cereals and pastas adds dietary fiber that can help you manage your weight.”

Most of the resources I found looked at carbohydrates with a focus on weight loss with a thyroid condition. It is especially difficult to maintain a consistent weight with hypothyroidism, particularly a healthy one, and many end up being overweight despite calorie restriction and an active lifestyle. Recently the newest dietary lifestyles to become popular are the Paleo[lithic] and Keto[genic] diets, both of which are low carbohydrate diets (paleo carbs are found in fruits and veggies). Those who are overweight to the point of obesity have seen continuous positive results with these diets with fast weight loss. However, changing to a low-carb diet too fast can trigger thyroid problems and hormone imbalance, as Dr. Cate (2012) wrote:

“People who run into trouble going low-carb seem to follow a pattern. They follow any number of diets from SAD to vegan before making a relatively abrupt switch to a low carb (often less than 50 gm) diet. At first they lose weight as hoped but then, instead of feeling more energetic from their weight loss, they develop fatigue, sometimes accompanied by symptoms of low thyroid function including cold extremities, hair loss, and digestive problems. Only by consuming more carbs again can they reduce these symptoms.”

In other words, “Research in humans shows that… our thyroid hormones are influenced by major changes in the amount of carbohydrate consumed.”

(source)

I went through the grain-free, low carb regimen last fall, and I did lose some weight, but I also lost patience, the ability to retain information, and had the overall feeling of imbalance and adrenal overdrive. (And it is likely not related, but I noticed my immune system was rather iffy.) This is not to say I don’t enjoy having grain-free meals or days, but like all foods, carbohydrates are wonderful additions to a healthy lifestyle with moderation. All bodies handle food differently, including carbohydrates, so some may benefit from a low-carb diet living with hypothyroidism and others may not.

For example, my body benefits from gluten free cereal grains (i.e., CGF oats, buckwheat, rice, etc.) and fruit with nut butter in the mornings. I’ve experimented with high-protein/low-carb breakfasts and ended up hungry a lot sooner than I would be had I eaten my preferred morning foods. Throughout the day, however, I choose high-protein/fat foods over cereal grains, and the majority of my carbohydrate consumption comes from fruits and veggies. (I may eat between 1 – 6 servings of cereal grains on any given day… usually in the form of rice crackers.)

After dinner, because of my increased rock climbing and running activity, I find that I am still hungry and curb that hunger with a bowl of rice cereal, yogurt, and applesauce.

So is there an ideal diet for hypothyroidism? I think it varies person to person. Since it is difficult to maintain a healthy weight with both thyroid conditions, being low-carb may help make it easier. Mary J. Shomon, author of the book Living Well with Hypothyroidism: What Your Doctor Doesn’t Tell You… That You Need to Know says that processed carbohydrates like breads, pasta, and sugary foods may promote weight gain for a person with hypothyroidism. Tracey Roizman, author of the LiveStrong article “Is a Low-Carb Diet Good for Hypothyroidism?” (2011) also goes further to paraphrase Laura Richard’s book The Secret to Low Carb Success: How to Get the Most Out of You Low Carbohydrate Diet:

"A low-carbohydrate diet can discourage yeast overgrowth, a condition that can suppress thyroid function and lead to hypothyroid symptoms such as low body temperature and cold hands and feet in some people."

Be sure to talk to your physician before changing your diet, though it seems clear that eating whole grains (gluten free, preferably) and as unprocessed a dietary lifestyle as possible will help keep you and your thyroid happy campers.

For more resources on the topic, click on the following links for the low-carb/hypothyroid discussion:

1. livestrong.com search: "hypothyroidism" + "carbohydrates"
2. thyroid.about.com search: "hypothyroid" + "carbohydrates" 
3. "Seven Thyroid Diet Secret." Mary Shomon (2009). http://thyroid.about.com/od/loseweightsuccessfully/ss/dietsecrets.htm
4. "The Zone Diet for Thyroid Patients and Losing Weight With Hypothyroidism." Mary Shomon (2003). http://thyroid.about.com/cs/dietweightloss/a/zonediet.htm
5. "Best Foods for Hypothyroidism." Debbie Whittaker (2001). http://www.herbcompanion.com/cooking/Smart-foods-for-hypothyroidism.aspx

Goitrogenic Foods and the Hypothyroid: How to Jam with Strawberries

When it comes to the gluten free diet, the list of foods to avoid is simple enough. True, the labeling of gluten-filled ingredients as additives can be difficult (Example: HFCS is not only made with corn; but with wheat and rice also), but in the purest sense, for a gluten free diet you avoid gluten. No wheat, no problem.

For those with a hypothyroid condition, however, there are other foods you need to consider: goitrogens, the thyroid's worst nightmare.

Raw Strawberries = Goitrogenic (source)

According to the World’s Healthiest Foods site: "Goitrogens are naturally-occurring substances that can interfere with function of the thyroid gland. Goitrogens get their name from the term 'goiter', which means an enlargement of the thyroid gland. If the thyroid gland is having difficulty making thyroid hormone, it may enlarge as a way of trying to compensate for this inadequate hormone production. Goitrogens, like circumstances that cause goiter, cause difficulty for the thyroid in making its hormone."

Oh dear.

The two categories of foods associated with this disruption thyroid hormone production are soybean-related and cruciferous foods. Not included in either category, such as strawberries, peaches, and millet, also contain goitrogens.

List of Goitrogenic Foods

Cruciferous veggies including:

• Broccoli
• Brussels sprouts
• Cabbage
• Cauliflower
• Kale
• Kohlrabi
• Mustard
• Rutabaga
• Turnips

 Misc.:

• Millet
• Peaches
• Peanuts
• Pears
• Pinenuts
• Radishes
• Soybean and soy products, including tofu*
• Spinach
• Strawberries
• Canola Oil

*From Alternative Therapies' (healingdeva.com) "Hypothyroidism Foods to Avoid" on soy’s adverse affect on the thyroid: “Soy contains a hat trick of ways to tamper with your thyroid. It contains isoflavones, which can trigger thyroid antibodies creating an internal war of inflammation. Next…they can fake out the thyroid by masquerading as thyroid hormone, making an already low productive thyroid down right comatose. Finally, isoflavones can tackle block iodine, triggering a goiter.”

It was rather easy to avoid soy and gluten-based foods because of my intolerances to both, but I happen to like many of the foods listed as goitrogenic. Kale is my favorite leafy green veggie, and I absolutely adore Brussels sprouts. And peanut butter? My beloved peanut butter that pairs with the Granny Smith apple oh so well? What was a girl to do?

Why, you cook them of course.

Research studies are limited in this area, though cooking does appear to help inactivate the goitrogenic compounds in food. Isoflavones (found in soy) and isothiocyanates (found in cruciferous veggies) seem to be heat-sensitive, making cooking the ideal choice for lowering these thyroid-hurting substances. “In the case of isothiocyanates in cruciferous vegetables like broccoli,” WHFoods.com states, “as much as one third of this goitrogenic substance may be deactivated when broccoli is boiled in water.”

So if you can’t live without these foods, such as is the case for me in regards to kale or peanut butter, make sure it is has been cooked in some way (and thoroughly) and consume in said cooked form no more than 2 – 3 times a week (or less).

Now, I like strawberries, and if you’ve read this far you know it’s a goitrogenic food. That means no fresh strawberries in smoothies, on top of CGF oatmeal, or mixed in yogurt. As far as oatmeal is concerned, I simply add it to the oats while cooking over the stovetop, so that's not a problem. But what happens when you have a “Buy 4 16 oz containers for $6” sale of strawberries to use up and you can’t eat them as is?

You give two to a family member to use as they please, and the remaining two is turned into a fruit spread of epic deliciousness. Sadly, I do not have a recipe for it, but it did leave me inspired with future jam/preserves and pickling ideas.

This particular spread has three ingredients: strawberry juice (I sieved the puree as best I could for a smooth consistency), freshly squeezed lemon juice, and honey. The result was an easy-to-spread jam, though I would have preferred it a tad thicker (i.e., leaving in the puree). And I also want to experiment with concentrated fruit juices and fruit pectin as sweetener replacements, so if anyone has experience with that please let me know.

Calling All Bagels!

When I first became gluten free, I essentially focused on eating “whole grain” foods such as rice, potatoes, corn, and quinoa. I bought a block of brown rice bread to make toast, both the toaster and French kind, and swore by rice crackers to anyone who would listen. As far as I was concerned, that was all I needed.

Transitioning to the gluten free lifestyle in 2008 was the perfect time to be gluten free. Cookbooks and baking mixes and labeling were showing up everywhere and in abundance. I started to do research, buying mixes and cookbooks, and became interested in food like I never was in my BGF days. While I was rather obsessed in a less than healthy way about what I considered to be healthy food and eating, I never thought how much I would change simply because I took wheat/gluten out of my diet.

When I was finally diagnosed with hypothyroidism in April of last year, I felt it was the perfect opportunity to unveil my idea for Meals with Morri. The blog itself had been sitting dormant for almost a year, and I still had no idea what my focus what going to be (aside from the gluten free lifestyle, of course). After the diagnosis, however, I became enthralled with how to live a happier and healthier life, and for some reason it was extremely food-oriented. It took another year before I started really looking into understanding how diet and other lifestyle choices affected a person with hypothyroidism, and how I could help the world by providing recipes, storytelling, and current events (the third being a relatively new concept on this blog). Meals with Morri has been viewed by people from all over the world, and I am so humbled to see how far it has come in a year. And although I consider myself still a novice with big dreams, I will never forget where it all started.

It all started with bagels.

Bagels were the epitome of my childhood. There were nights where Mama Dazz and I couldn’t sleep and we’d have late-night bagel parties in the kitchen. When I attended Catholic school and sang in the choir, we went to Einstein’s Bagels after the one Sunday a month I was required to sing for a sermon. (I always got lox on an "everything" bagel. Best. Combination. EVER.) Whenever we went on vacation and had to drive somewhere, like Virginia Beach, New York, or North Carolina, I ordered a McDonald’s breakfast sandwich as, you guessed it, a bagel.

Bagels were my favorite baked good, and I loved it with cream cheese, jam, peanut butter, honey, butter, etc. When I became gluten free, I was not impressed with the options I had, so I did the most logical thing I could think of: I made them myself.

My 2010 Bagel success.

My “I have no idea on the fundamentals of gluten free baking so I’m going to wing it” experience with bagels were simple enough: gf baking mix + gf bagel recipe = gf bagels. But then I started playing around with flours and gums, mainly rice flour, glutinous rice flour, tapioca starch, and xanthan gum, and I liked the results much better. For some reason, though, I stopped trying to perfect bagels even before Meals with Morri was a sparkle in my eye.

Soon after, the Gluten Free Ratio Rally rekindled my desire for a delicious bagel.

What I love the most about this movement is the joint effort of showing the world that, if you have a ratio for a recipe, you can use just about anything to make it. Whatever the types of flours, liquids, sweeteners, or binders you use, having a ratio makes it possible. Measuring ingredients by weight is fundamental for this process, even for those not living the gluten free lifestyle. Cake flour does not have the same properties as whole-wheat flour, so we should not assume garbanzo bean flour is the same as buckwheat flour. True, many flours can be and are interchangeable, but having a scale makes it significantly easier to experiment with different ingredients and flour combinations. What the GFRR has done is bring a lot of passionate people from all over cyber space, many with additional dietary restrictions to consider, and turn a ratio into a recipe that can be enjoyed by many who have to work around the same allergies, intolerances, and health issues. It is a movement to show how empowering it is to embrace your so-called dietary/health “restrictions”.

If you have a ratio, i.e. a foundation for a recipe, you can make/do anything.

When the spaces for the 2012 months needed to be filled, I enthusiastically exclaimed that April would be all about bagels and that I’d love to host the process. Despite my getting sick for the majority of the month, I made many batches of bagels. After all, I was hosting. With Udi’s making a bagel that looked and acted like one (never ate one personally, but I’ve heard positive reviews), I felt there was this expectation to making The Perfect Bagel, especially since I was hosting. And despite my learning that I should keep it simple before dressing up the recipe, I went ahead and dressed it up anyway.

I had in mind to create a sweet potato bagel, but I started getting frustrated with the trials. That, and we were running out of sweet potatoes.

The first thing you must realize when making bagels is: do not use the entire yeast packet. Bruce Ezzell’s bagels called for 3 g of yeast to his 1.9:1 flour:water ratio (or 2.25:1 sponge:flour ratio if you prefer), and for some reason I was surprised how yeasty and “spongey” the dough was when I put seven times the amount of yeast in it. It tasted sour and I had to add over 100 g of additional flour to compensate.

The second trial, in addition to correcting the yeast amount, focused on changing how I used the sweet potato. For the first trial, I used it as part of the flour ratio, which probably made the dough wetter than it should have been. So I used it as the “liquid”, making it dry and having to balance that issue with additional liquid, going from too dry to too wet in seconds. Instead of putting in flour, however, I put in whole CGF rolled oats. I still wasn’t content with the bagels, but the oats did something to the flavor and the texture that reminded me of a hearty bagel.

To be honest, the sweet potato bagel was not my first bagel idea. My original idea was to make a blueberry bagel, but not in the traditional sense. With my CGF oats, both whole and powdered, my mad scientist tendencies were flaring up and I was inspired to try out my blueberry idea. So what did I do? I bought freeze-dried blueberries, powdered the dickens out of them, and incorporated that blueberry flavor (and purplish color) throughout the entire bagel.

As hostess, I stuck with Ezzell’s ratio as best as I could, though I think I would have liked the recipe better made with other binders like egg. But I followed the directions and used the ratio that was given to me, even making it vegan-friendly. I halved the recipe due to the overabundance of bagels on the kitchen counter, and it will make a week’s worth of bagels you can eat for breakfast each morning with a smear of nut butter or cream cheese.

Will I try again? Definitely. Will I compare the difference between the “traditional” bagel versus the ones made with eggs and oil? Oh, yes.

For now, I give you my recipe for this month’s GFRR, and it was such an honor to host it.

Blueberry Oat Bagels

For the sponge: to be made 4 to 12 hours before baking, but any longer will result in a very yeasty (and admittedly sour) bagel.

100 g Quinoa flour
100 g Garbanzo bean flour
50 g Flaxseed meal
250 ml Warm water
3 g Dry active yeast

Combine the ingredients in the bowl of a standing mixer and mix with a spoon till the ingredients are combined.
Set aside at room temperature for at least 4 hours. (To get the blooming process going, I put the bowl on the stovetop in the back while the oven was preheated on the warm setting for an hour or so.)

To make the bagels:

100 g CGF oat flour
93 g CGF rolled oats
1 1/2 – 2 tsp. Sea salt
18 g Maple syrup
30 g Freeze-dried blueberries, powdered

Baking soda (1/2 tbsp. for every 2 liters or 1/2 gallon of water)

Preheat the oven to 400ºF.
Add the salt, maple syrup, blueberry powder, oat flour, and oats to the sponger, and attach dough hooks to your mixer and mix at low speed for a few minutes until thoroughly combined. (This can also be done by hand.)
Once the dough is mixed, remove it to your counter and cover with a cloth to let it rest for 5-10 minutes.
While the dough is resting, place a wide, fairly deep pot filled with water on the stove to heat (measure the water so you know how much baking soda to use).
Once the water comes to a simmer add the baking soda.
Divide the dough into 6 - 7 pieces, and round each piece and set aside to rest for a few more minutes, covered.
To shape take each ball of dough, flatten out slightly using the palm of the hand, making a disc approximately 3.5 inches wide.
Make a hole in each using your thumb and place back on the counter, covered, to rise.
After 10 minutes flip each bagel over so the bottom is now facing up. (When this side begins to get slightly puffy and rounded it is time to boil.)
While the bagels are in their final rise bring your water to a simmer, then add the baking soda.
Drop the bagels 3 – 4 at a time into the simmering water (depending on how large your pot is).
They bagels will drop to the bottom and slowly begin to rise. (When this happens, flip the bagels, either with a spatula or flattened spoon, and let them simmer for another minute.)
Remove from the water using a skimmer or large spoon, and place them on a half-sheet pan lined with parchment paper.
Bake for 15 – 20 minutes or until golden brown.

Makes 6 – 7 bagels.

So, who else participated in this month’s GFRR? Continue on to find out!

Brooke | B & the boy    Peanut Butter & Jelly Bagels
Jenn | Jenn Cuisine     Sun-dried Tomato Parmesan Bagels
Mary Fran | FrannyCakes     Cinnamon Raisin Bagels
Adina | Gluten Free Travelette     Garlic Egg Bagels
Heather | Discovering the Extraordinary     Gluten-Free Bagels, with variations
gretchen | kumquat     Cinnamon Raisin Teff Bagels
Jean Layton | GF Doctor Recipes Gluten-Free     Sourdough Bagels
Meaghan | The Wicked Good Vegan     Vegan Gluten-Free Bagels
Meg | Gluten-Free Boulangerie     Classic Poppyseed Bagels (Vegan/Food Allergy-Safe)
*Morri (Me!) | Meals with Morri     Blueberry Oat Bagels
TR | No One Likes Crumbley Cookies     Classic Gluten-Free Bagels
Angela | Angela's Kitchen     Gluten Free Bagels with variations
Caleigh | Gluten Free[k]     Orange and Caraway Bagels
Caneel | Mama Me Gluten Free     Just Plain Bagels
Pete and Kelli | No Gluten, No Problem     Faux Pumpernickel Bagels

Reaching Acceptance & Letting Go

It was three-thirty in the morning when it happened. That same clawing hunger that I thought I’d tempered came back with a vengeance. And it doesn’t just come at three-thirty; sometimes it happens at two. Has it been weeks since I’ve slept over six hours at one time, or months? Regardless, I haven’t slept a full night for quite some time, simply because the hunger pains are relentless. It’s like all I do throughout the morning is eat, and then after dinner before bed I eat. I eat and I snack and I graze. I feel like a black hole that’s always empty, or a pot that never fills, even when you’re making rice for the whole family. 

It's never enough.

I eat and I eat and I’m frustrated. Actually, I’m not as frustrated as I was on Monday (or on Wednesday, when I started writing this post), but still I’m frustrated.

A couple of weeks ago I received a letter from my doctor regarding the bone density scan I had done in February. The results weren’t alarming, but they weren’t rays of sunshine either: my bone density was below average.

I remember watching the machine scan my hip, and how humbling it was to see my bones on the computer screen. It occurred to me how little I thought of what was under the skin, the muscles, the veins, and the blood. Beneath all that I never considered how real my bones were, how instead of being the body of a small universe there were these white masts I used as foundation. It was so grounding a thought that when I received that letter, I felt unreal, deflated, like I could feel the very things that were my foundation giving in to the weight of what it held together.

I was no longer immortal, and I was suddenly aware of my humanity.

The results could have been worse. They could have shown that I had the bones of a one-thousand-year-old mummy with no way of fixing it. Instead, it just merely pointed out that my bone density was below average, and the good news was that there was treatment. (The Doctor had mentioned that too much Armour Thyroid could cause bone loss; however, I think my low bone density was the consequence of years of disordered eating.) So with that in the back of my mind, with some of my early hypothyroid symptoms returning and being Hungry with a capital “H”, you can see how it can leave a girl frustrated.

The hardest part for me is not knowing why I am so hungry, and whether is has to do with: my thyroid condition or some other health factor I haven’t considered (hypoglycemia, mineral/vitamin deficiency, etc.); my fitness regimen of exercising six days a week; or, even with additional meals and snacking, I’m still not eating enough.

And there is the matter of considering that it’s all three.

I usually get emotional when I talk about having a hypothyroid condition. I feel really vulnerable when I do, and that is probably why I don’t write about it very often on Meals With Morri (I’ve talked about the treatment, but rarely the condition itself and how it affects me). I am not the condition, and I don’t view it as part of my identity as a person. There are days, however, when I can’t explain this overwhelming fatigue or when I’m suddenly intolerant of the heat or the cold. I get embarrassed of my cold hands and the yellowish hue when both symptoms flare up. I get discouraged because of the added complications that make it harder to keep weight off or lose weight in general. The biggest fear I’ve had as of late is if I eat more, despite my very active lifestyle, I’ll become the next incarnation of Budai (without the jolliness). 

(source)

So this week I’ve been experimenting by writing out what I’ve been eating, taking my pulse before I go to bed and after I wake up, and working on balancing my active lifestyle with my calorie intake. I’m still waking up early, and I weigh no more than I did when I was weighed before my bone density was scanned. But if getting my bones in tiptop shape means weighing more, or if eating enough to sleep a full night in peace means I am destined to weigh (on average) 125 pounds, I accept those terms.

To be honest, fighting your body for what you believe to be best is hard work, especially when there is more than one way to being right. I could fight (and have been fighting) against my health’s shortcomings or I could work with them and accommodate those needs accordingly.

I’m done being my worst enemy, and I’m finally ready to be my best friend. I’m ready to work with my whole self to finding what works and what doesn’t work for me. Sure, I may get frustrated and I may have days when my symptoms flare up. And yes, there will be days I think it’s unfair that I can’t wear a size 4 dress. But having the health that I have has taught me the importance of pacing myself, being honest, going with the flow, and to never give up trying. It shows how marvelous life truly is in all of its twists and turns and complexities.

I may have gotten up earlier than I wanted to today with a sniffle and a sneeze, and I may have “a rumbly in my tumbly” like a certain Silly Old (Taoist) Bear, but I smile and I enjoy the beautiful spring day as it is.

And really, that’s all we can ever ask for.

Simply Green Brown Rice

360 g Sprouted brown rice
500 ml Water (or more if you want a creamier consistency)
15 ml Unrefined apple cider vinegar
3 tsp. Minced dried onion
1 tsp. Sea salt
1/2 tsp. Herb de Provence
1/4 tsp. Whole cumin seeds
1/4 tsp. Cracked pepper
1/4 tsp. Dried tarragon
1 bunch (126 g) Curly leaf parsley
Juice of 1 Lemon
30 ml Olive oil

1 Lemon, cut into wedges and served as garnish

Combine the rice, water, vinegar, and spices into a pressure/rice cooker or medium saucepan and cook until the rice has softened and taken a creamy consistency (time will vary based on how you usually prepare brown rice and how much water you put in).
Place the parsley, lemon juice, and olive oil in a food processor and pulse until the ingredients form a pesto-like quality.
Fold in the parsley mixture with the rice, and then serve warm with the lemon wedges on top.

Makes 8 servings.

Individual Buttermilk Spoon Breads

After my midterm yesterday, my nervousness had lessened despite having been up since 4:30 a.m. that morning (and up for nearly twenty-one hours by the time I went to sleep). Along with figuring out how to handle my hypothyroid condition as well as keeping my adrenals from getting wonky with my immune system, I am still having issues with falling asleep and staying asleep. Could it be a hormonal imbalance or the inability to manage stress, I do not yet know. What I do know is that I am in a better place because I have a great support system called “Family.”

With all of these health concerns I have to be careful with what I put into my body. While it is true that I love a good cup o’ Joe in the mornings, my caffeine intake stops with that drink of the gods. My daily intake for unrefined sweeteners (i.e., honey, maple syrup, or agave) doesn’t exceed one tablespoon. Obviously I avoid gluten and soy products, and I take special pride in knowing how food affects me. Chocolate is one that I do not eat much of anymore because, even when unsweetened or made with sugars I do eat, I feel a tad “off” afterward. I don’t digest corn properly unless it treated with lime as it is with most masa harina brands. With my hypothyroid and adrenal conditions, I have to take particular care of myself. When I get headaches after I’ve eaten, I know that I am either dehydrated or I haven’t eaten enough. It’s usually a combination of the two.

Even with the headaches, the shakes, and the flare-ups from my adrenal glands, I am extremely grateful that my body tells me immediately when something’s wrong and instantly calms down after I’ve given it what it needs. I am also grateful for being able to discern the symptoms from the illness. I know I’m not sick, but something is keeping me from sleeping and being at peace.

Anxiety and insomnia can really affect your day, but our dinners have been satisfying more than our physiological needs, and spoon bread has become a weekly affair as the result.

Spoon bread hails from the states south of the Mason-Dixon Line, and has a similar consistency to savory puddings like England’s Yorkshire pudding. It’s rich, creamy, and a great side dish to just about anything. When it was Mama Dazz’s turn to cook a few weeks back, I had forgotten just how delicious it was. The spoon breads of our kitchen’s past were made from a box – with cornmeal and wheat – but the Joy of Cooking has quite a few spoon bread recipes that don’t even call for gluten ingredients. I will definitely work with different flavor combinations in the future, and the spoon bread recipe calling for cooked rice or millet looked very interesting…

In all seriousness, though, this recipe is scrumptious as is. Have it for breakfast. Have it for dessert. One bite and you will be hooked for life.    

 

Individual Buttermilk Spoon breads (Adapted from Mama Dazz’s 1975 copy of Joy of Cooking)

1 c. (120 g) Masa harina or white cornmeal
1 1/2 c. (360 ml) Boiling water
1 Egg
1 tbsp. Butter
1 c. (240 ml) Buttermilk
1 tsp. Baking soda
1/4 tsp. Sea salt

Bring the water to a boil and pour it over the masa harina.
Mix well and let the mixture cool slightly.
Preheat the oven to 350ºF and place the greased baking dish(es) in the center.
Beat together the egg, butter, buttermilk, baking soda, and salt and slowly add it to the masa harina.
Pour the batter into the now hot baking dishes (either one 7-inch or four medium-sized ramekins).
Bake for 30 – 40 minutes (or until a nice brown crust has formed on the tops).
Serve with a slab of butter or a drizzle of cream.

Serves 4.

Honesty, Health, and Stew Beef Enchiladas

The beauty of the human condition is how broad personal experiences can be, especially when there is a willingness to share them with others. That is one of the reasons I started this blog in the first place; I want to share what I’ve learned and reflect the impact reading what others have experienced.

And I want to do it every time I post.

My next post: Spiraling Spirulina Oatmeal

There are two bloggers who’ve each posted an entry that really struck home for me. Shauna of Gluten-Free Girl and the Chef wrote about the dark side of blogging (titled "warm brown rice and grilled vegetable salad"), about how people choose to use the anonymity of the Internet to be cruel, and basically make themselves feel all-powerful by using hurtful words in attempt to belittle another.

No one has done this to me through my blog, but after the house fell through, one of the landlords’ kids (and once a friend of mine) sent me a message through Facebook saying how dare I disrespect my roommates and her home. Her last statement was this: “Good luck finding an apartment. I hope it takes you months.” It’s not like she was outlandishly malicious or anything, because she was angry and that’s how she felt. I responded with an “I’m sorry you feel that way…” sort of spiel and said I found a place that was just what I needed. As of now I am commuting to school from home, and as the consequence of living at home, I am slowly moving and unpacking all my things in the manner to my liking. The boyfriend is staying in the guest bedroom, and as mentioned in my last post, I am happier than I’ve been in months.

In a matter of days, however, new friends filled the void, and it just keeps getting better and better. Misery loves company, and it doesn’t like those who soar high overhead above it. Shauna embodies that tenfold. She has a life filled to the brim with joy and prosperity that some envy and possibly resent, so they nitpick the most ridiculous of things just to bring her down to their level. But she doesn’t go down, not even a centimeter; she simply flies even higher.

Yesterday, Iris of The Daily Dietribe wrote a post titled “Does She Really Have a Food Sensitivity or is it an Eating Disorder?” As I was reading, I couldn’t help but think how much it related to my experiences, particularly when people give me that “look” when I tell them I can’t eat something they made especially for me. It sucks when I go over to a house and know I can’t eat much or anything being offered, because that means I have to deny a very intimate connection that food seems to offer interpersonally. It sucks that I have to be so anal and paranoid when I go to a restaurant (if at all), sometimes even eating beforehand so my stomach won’t grumble as I watch people enjoy their orders. And yes, sometimes I do wonder if I have an eating sensitivity or if it is purely a psychological malfunction, an eating disorder that manifests discomfort every time I accidentally consume something on my “Red” list. Maybe it’s a bit of both, but all I know is I feel better not eating wheat, soy, refined sugars, artificial flavors and sweeteners, anything processed, and weird chemically things found in food I can’t pronounce.

So do I have a form of disordered eating? Maybe. Probably. I certainly used to be: excessively counting calories, limiting food intake, exercising a certain amount of calories at a time (also known as exercise bulimia), and had panic attacks when something not Morri-friendly entered in my system without my knowledge. I’m part of a cooking club at the University (Café GMU), and to make up for my inability to eat anything, even when gluten-free bread like Udi’s is being provided, I help in the kitchen and make people laugh. Do I wish I could taste the food? Of course I do. I always do. I never binged on food I restricted from my diet, but I dream about it often. Why, just last night I dreamed of pita bread rising in the oven, and the night before I dreamed of eating a muffin, a gluten-filled muffin. Sometimes in my dreams I wonder why I bother being gluten-free, and I take a bite and savor the taste with every chew until I swallow. Seconds later, I panic, and wake up wondering if I really did eat it because of the vividness of the act. It’s better than my reoccurring zombie nightmares, but still, it is always a very uncomfortable and upsetting thing to dream about.

I’m telling you this because these two amazing and strong women have been upfront and honest with what they go through, the good and the bad. As for me, the idea of being honest about the struggles behind the scenes seems, well, unnerving. I’ve talked about disordered eating and fanatically exercising before, but I didn’t talk about the things beneath the surface. I never talked about my hypothyroid condition in length, or how my bowels and digestion were delicate and fickle. And because I was afraid of people I knew thinking what I wrote to be a “too much information” sort of thing, I didn’t mention my hormones being topsy-turvy because my menstrual cycle was either obscenely light or non-existent.

Well, I’m being honest now.

Last year, from May to about February, I went nine months with only one period from that summer up to coming back to Mason from my semester in Sweden. That was before I was diagnosed with a hypothyroid, and it may have been that I was simply not eating enough for my body to believe I wasn’t starving. Regardless, I felt less of a woman, and it impacted my life more I than I realized. That’s what happened on Friday; after a four-month hiatus, Lady Red came to town. Something shifted, and immediately I realized my down-in-the-dumps attitude was because of an extended version of pre-menstrual symptoms (a better terminology for PMS), that made me fatigued, in a funk, not wanting to fix what I could fix, and wanting to hide under the covers until it was all over. Suddenly I felt connected to the world and The Way. The stress went away and those little things that affected me so negatively don’t even exist anymore. I am able to keep up with my classes and still make time for CARmunity as Director of Student Representatives and Diplomatic Affairs in S/CAR. I have the energy to go to the gym and was pleasantly surprised that I wasn’t as bad off as I thought I was. The current I fought so hard against is flowing to my pace, and I am beyond ecstatic and feel amazing. 

Stew Beef Enchilada

1.5 lbs. Lean stew beef meat, cut into manageable chunks
1 can (14.5 oz) Diced tomatoes
1 tsp. Chili powder
1 tsp. Chipotle powder
1 tsp. Paprika
1 tsp. Cumin
1 tsp. Trader Joe’s smoked sea salt (or whatever salt you have on hand)
1/4 tsp. Cracked pepper
1 tbsp. Unsweetened cocoa powder
3 tbsp. Olive oil
1 Shallot
3 Garlic cloves
8 oz Filtered water
8 oz Riesling
1 1/2 Green zucchini (medium-sized), finely grated
2 Carrots, finely grated
10 oz Ricotta
1 can (14 oz) Black beans, drained
12 Trader Joe’s Corn Tortillas
2.5 oz Pecorino Romano, finely grated

Preheat the oven to 375ºF.
With a pressure cooker or large pot, grease the bottom generously with olive oil and cook the meat on medium-high heat.
Put in the blender the tomatoes, spices, oil, shallot, garlic, and the water and blender until thoroughly pureed.
After the outside of the meat is cooked, though still raw in the middle, put half of the sauce including the Riesling in with the meat and cover the pressure cooker or pot with the lid, and cook of medium-low heat for at least half an hour.
Using a fork or a wooden spoon, tear apart the stew beef chunks into individual strands.
Grease a deep 9x9” pan and start the layering process, beginning with 4 tortillas on the bottom, then veggies, ricotta, meat, and beans, repeating once more with some of the sauce splashed throughout.
Top with the last 4 tortillas, the remaining sauce, and the Pecorino Romano.
Bake for 45 minutes to an hour until the cheese has browned and the sauce is bubbling.

Makes 6 – 8 servings.